Friday, April 30, 2010

Regression.

I'm four days from my 1 year. I don't know if I can make it.
Fuck, I fail at everything else, right?

Pushing up Daisies.

I found out I didn't get into my transfer school. I feel so fucked. Now I'm home & feel worse than I thought I could feel.
Great.
Tomorrow I'm supposed to see Shelly, but I have a feeling it will be only for a short time.
Then back to this.
I don't want summer.
I'm on my way to hell.
I tried, oh god knows that I tried.
Question is, am I willing to make it?
Because the good might be good, but the bright is too slight to hold back all my dark.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

It's Been A While


It's been a while
but I can now say that I am not addicted and
It's been a while
but I still can't say I love myself as well and
It's been a while
Since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do
It's been a while
But all that shit seems to come back like it's not new.
But everything I can't remember as fucked up as it may seem
the consequences that I've rendered
I've gone and fucked things up again.

Yeah, it's been a while since I've last posed. I know I've changed, but things still aren't perfect. Or even close.
I continue to be overwhelmed by everything. By life. But it is so much less than before. Or at least I think it is. Ugh. Everything thing just builds up within me, & I don't know how to release it anymore.

Little things snowball until I can barely carry them anymore. I don't know how to properly deal with them. I talk some of them out with my therapist, but she has things she believes we need to address. I still have so much to sort out, but I have one more session. What to do? I can go about dealing with them in the way I used to, for that solved nothing. So I can't do that. It's not like I want to go back to dealing that way. But I hate not letting them out. I don't feel like they are healed. I know that actually bleeding out my problems, & watching the wound scab & flake & dry & heal really solves anything, but I hate having all this un-releasable pressure.

Man, I sure get lonely here. I eat a few meals with friends. But I never really talk during them. Everyone there is either talking about a party they've just been to, or a party coming up. So I just sit & listen. half of the time I don't even listen. All I do is zone out. Yep, that's started a bit again. But like before, I don't know what to do about it. I didn't know before, I don't know now. I used to hang out often with my friends. But now they keep on canceling. Half of the time it is 10 minutes before, or never even tell me. There was a girl who I'd talk to between classes, but she asked me for help & I guess she didn't like my answer. Because she left class without me & we normally walk together. She wasn't very blunt.

Most days I go without talking to anyone. The one person I talk to is my fucking mother. Over the weekend I had fun with my cousins, but that is the only enjoyable thing in the last few weeks. The only person I've talked to for more than a half an hour are my mother & a girl I really don't like.

I broke down the other day. Too many emotions. But I don't know. I feel so fucking stupid for having them. I watch all these fucking shows & everyone has drama & have friends to help them out. Everyone hugs it out when they cry. All I want right now is a fucking hug. But I have no one. How pathetic.

I've been trying to hide that I'm not okay. Doing well. Back to old habits again. Ugh.

The other thing cause chaos in my mind is happening a week from today. I find out if I am able to transfer or not. I get nauseous, hot, & upset every time I think about that day. I don't even know what I fucking want. I don't know if I want to get in. I do, but I don't. I'm afraid, & really think that those at the prosper school actually want me to get in, & go. I don't think I will get in. Man, my fucking self confidence is so low. A friend commented on my confidence being non existent. She says there is no reason I won't get in. That I need confidence. Ugh, I can't do this. I'm going to be sick.

Speaking of sick, but not really. I am having some escalating body issues. Occasionally, I don't have such a problem. But a lot of the time, all I want to be is thin. I've never had this problem.
I just need to be happy.
Reread my old post.
Get the fuck over this problem.
Food makes me happy.

Farewell, all. Things must get better, right?
But I fear summer is coming up, & I will just be upset & alone there too. Again, so fucking alone.