Stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone ought to be

Ah, how did I end up here?

I've made lots of friends--both guys and girls. I am so comfortable with them that I act like my weird self. & they have all responded well. It blows my minds.

I actually have allowed myself to develop romantic feelings towards one of these new friends, which leaves me feeling so damn vulnerable. But I guess this is how normal or healthy people feel? All I know is it is all foreign to me. Nice--but I feel like I am experiencing culture shock. Become a person who feels is a whole lot of work. There are so many more emotions that I knew I could experience.

I feel so odd. Complaining about boys. Am I really that healthy that I don't need to complain about covering bruises or long red gashes? I hope so. But even though these emotions are a bit overwhelming, they don't cause my reactions to run the gamete, because I know what low is. And I've come to know the other end too.

Well, this whole liking a boy gets even more complicated--he likes me back. I really can't understand it. I am so much better than I was before. I believe that I deserve friends, attention, and care. But I still can't understand why anyone would find me attractive. It just confuses me beyond belief. That's exactly it. I don't believe it. I'm not convinced.

So, here's what I'm going to do. I know the concept that I deserve to have someone care about me in this way, because I believe every other person deserves it. So I can't make myself an exception to this rule, just because I'm not my biggest fan. But I fully believe in the idea that no one can love you or find you beautiful, unless you believe it yourself. I also believe that you can convince yourself of anything. Hey, I managed to convince myself to believe that I deserved the abuse I endured for years. So making myself believe the "truth" can't be too hard, right?

This is my new goal. I will make myself believe that I am beautiful, wonderful, and a person who deserves all sorts of happiness. The way I'm going to go about this is in two ways:

1. I will not say anything negative about myself. No jokes. No put downs. Nothing. I am going to tell all of my friends that I am not allowed to do these things. Make them stop me. Maybe owe them a dollar every time I do it.

2. I will replace these with positive things. Every day, I will tell myself something good about myself. Maybe ask my friends with help with this too. But everyday. Maybe say one good thing about my personality or appearance every day.

So let's see how this goes.
I smell progress.

Long Time, No See.

Wow.
I haven't been back here for a while. I thought that I was alone, just talking to myself, and so I stopped updating.
But I just went back to my blog, to see how he was doing & found a comment. Asking me where I went. Holy hell! I had no idea anyone was listening. So I guess I'm back.

My life has changed a lot since I last saw you. Ups & downs. But I'm in such a better place then I was before.

I had a tough summer, where it was a whole lot of home. I didn't know how to handle it. I relied a whole lot on Shelly, but that sort of made us reconsider some boundaries. The first big change that happened, was that a few people found out about my past. Shelly couldn't take it anymore, & told her family. Fuck, that hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew she was struggling with the weight of my baggage, but I didn't think she would do that. I knew that there was no taking it back, so I didn't get angry. But it was hard to be with these people who knew everything there is to know about me. Without me telling them. With me not telling them. The information left my hands. But I've grown since then.

I told my mother that I was done with her shit. That if I have one more bruise, I will leave. She hasn't hit me since. Smacks me around with words, but nothing more. I know that is still not good, but it is a step in the right direction, right?

Last semester was... a leap & bound towards a bright future. I finally said "fuck it." & did what I wanted. I joined a multi-cultural sorority. Yeah, I know. THat sounds so.... girly. But it is actually not really like a sorority. It is non judgey & service oriented. So, as a result of my new move, I have made new friends. I actually got close to some of them, & began to see the brighter side of life.

Over winter break, I slipped back a little, because all of the time spent at home. Ugh, so one of the terrible things that happened is that I got lost finding the place that my parents had been drinking at on new years. My dad was livid. & smacked me so hard. Third time he hit me. Third time, & the most painful. Emotionally. I had to go back to my house where Shelly & another friend were at & pretend I was so fucking fine & dandy.

This semester has been even better! No, I'm not kidding. So yeah, I have more friends, & some are even male.
I love this new life I'm living.
If I can do it, hell, anyone can.
Haven't thought about cutting.
Haven't thought about purging.
Haven't thought about how I look in a negative light.
But I HAVE thought about the future.
Thought about a life, not alone.
THought about how great my personality I have.

There are some wonderful people out there.
I'm regaining my faith in humanity.