Heaven

When I die. If there is a heaven & I manage to get in, what I will find there is my plan b.
No changes or anything special.

I'm saddened to know this can't happen in reality, but I like to save the idea that this is waiting for me. I don't know how long I will have to wait.
Maybe a real plan a,
Maybe a short time.

But I can't see there being nothing better after this world, since I've been dealt this hand. I've wanted to fold.& I know no winning cards will be given in the next flop. Makes me wonder why stay in, when I keep on losing everything I have?

Pathetic.

How pathetic is it that I want nothing more than to be held while I cry? Honestly, I think if i was just held with love, I would begin to cry.

How pathetic is it that I have cried myself to sleep more nights in the last two weeks than had nights without soggy pillows & swollen eyes?

How pathetic is it that I bought a pillow that simulates the heart beat, so I can hug it & try to feel like someone who actually cares about me is hugging me? But in reality, I'm laying there alone again.

How pathetic is it that I have spent more time thinking of how to avoid the future than actually planning for it?

Pathetic.

Another Day.

Life passes by so quickly, yet I am stuck where the pendulum doesn't swing.
This is my life, ending one minute at a time.

Hi There.

Okay. So let's face it. No one is reading this crap. So I just so happen to want to vent on my computer. So, hello J, how are you? So basically, I know that Shelly no longer wants to be no part in the troubles in my life so I know she won't be reading these. However, Shelly, if you do decide to read it, know that I am not so nice. These are things that I'm too afraid to tell you these things, or you don't want to know, so proceed with caution.

Welcome back, I have been doing alright. Better than I thought I would be. A while ago I thought I was no longer numb, but as time ellasps, I feel more & more & I'm not so sure if that is a good thing or not. It's getting harder to deal, espcially since I have to do it on my own.

But, I do think I'm in a good meduim. I know, it is not perfect, but damn I need some sort of crutch, some sort of help. Shelly has given up on me, leaving me to myself. I still don't like myself very much. Still don't really care about seeing daylight. Meh, it's nice when I see it, but I don't care so much if I don't. The abuse has stopped. Hard work & no one to share the joy with. Shelly says that I should be proud of things with out here approval. It's not that I want her approval, I know it's good, but I still don't like celebrating on my own. Back to being alone, with no one who gives a damn. Saddest part about that is I have no one because I've been abandoned, not because I haven't shared it. Who knew not sharing it would be less painful.

I've made a few compromises. Fair ones I think. I eat, a lot. When I have to. My mother might not be touching me anymore, but it still hurts like hell to be me. So some things not so healthy might be compromised, but hell. I need something to fucking help me cope. Shelly, it's not because of you, but because I need something. You did the right thing. & so am I.

Fuck.

I am breaking apart so silently. No one is here as I fall through through the glass walls around me.

I don't know what to do. I am falling apart. Here is my test: can I survive alone? Fuck, I don't think I can. I did it for so long, burned all my fuel. Began to rely on the help of wind to push me along. But when the wind changes & blows in another direction. I am left where I started, but the momentum's gone, & I'm running on empty. I don't think I'm going to make it.
This week has been rough & draining. It was finished by a terrible weekend that only got worse & worse. I honestly don't know how mush more of this I can take. I thought that I was done with these urges & feelings. I mean I knew that they weren't gone, but I didn't realize they would come crashing down on me so hard.
Things are worse here at home than I had been preparing for. I know last time didn't work out, but I don't foresee me seeing august without something. The people I continually interact with are draining me. I have barely slept. I'm running out of newly obtained techniques & truly fear I might turn back to my old coping mechanism. Because I know that it at least works, momentarily. & I can't say I'm looking too far into the future to see what the consequences are, because I have a feeling it's going to be a lot of this, & not a lot of good. Not enough to fight for. To look forward to. I don't know if my readings are off. But I'm looking at some of what I'm getting from people, & I think I might be being lied to & might find that this shit of a future I've conjured will be a dream compared to what's really in store.
I guess it's my denial, paired with abandonment & breakdowns. I might be coming to the end of my rope. I don't know what's at the end. The ground, where I'll land on my feet & walk away? A fire to burn & replace these feelings with a soothing pain? Or a noose, to end it all & allow me to escape this hell I'm in? Honestly, I can't tell from here which one. All I know is that my mother & others are shaking the other end, making me slide down to figure it out before I really want to. & I can't say there isn't an option at the moment which wouldn't be welcomed.
Fuck, this. Why can't I just get better?

How did I end up here?

Wow.
Day 365
One year without blood.
One year without burns.
One year with no razor.
One year without a heated object.
One year clean.

Looking back, that journey was rough,& yet here I am standing at the end of this road (& waiting to start on the next leg of the challenge)
& I am a stronger person
I am a better person
I am a happier person.

In this last year I learned
what love is
what happiness is
how to love
what it feels like to be cared for
what it feels like for someone to fucking give a damn

In this last year I have
hit rock bottom
Been at my highest
Shared myself
Stopped faking
Showed my true self
Been accepted.
Grown close to someone.

In the last year I have stopped mutilating
But I have begun to stop:
Self Hating
Thinking everyone dislikes me
Letting myself be a doormat.

In the next year I will:
Learn to love myself
continue to love what I have
Not settle for my life.

Thank you Shelly. You helped make ALLL of this happen. I couldn't have done it without you. You've saved my life. More times than you even know.

Regression.

I'm four days from my 1 year. I don't know if I can make it.
Fuck, I fail at everything else, right?

Pushing up Daisies.

I found out I didn't get into my transfer school. I feel so fucked. Now I'm home & feel worse than I thought I could feel.
Great.
Tomorrow I'm supposed to see Shelly, but I have a feeling it will be only for a short time.
Then back to this.
I don't want summer.
I'm on my way to hell.
I tried, oh god knows that I tried.
Question is, am I willing to make it?
Because the good might be good, but the bright is too slight to hold back all my dark.

It's Been A While

It's been a while
but I can now say that I am not addicted and
It's been a while
but I still can't say I love myself as well and
It's been a while
Since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do
It's been a while
But all that shit seems to come back like it's not new.
But everything I can't remember as fucked up as it may seem
the consequences that I've rendered
I've gone and fucked things up again.

Yeah, it's been a while since I've last posed. I know I've changed, but things still aren't perfect. Or even close.
I continue to be overwhelmed by everything. By life. But it is so much less than before. Or at least I think it is. Ugh. Everything thing just builds up within me, & I don't know how to release it anymore.

Little things snowball until I can barely carry them anymore. I don't know how to properly deal with them. I talk some of them out with my therapist, but she has things she believes we need to address. I still have so much to sort out, but I have one more session. What to do? I can go about dealing with them in the way I used to, for that solved nothing. So I can't do that. It's not like I want to go back to dealing that way. But I hate not letting them out. I don't feel like they are healed. I know that actually bleeding out my problems, & watching the wound scab & flake & dry & heal really solves anything, but I hate having all this un-releasable pressure.

Man, I sure get lonely here. I eat a few meals with friends. But I never really talk during them. Everyone there is either talking about a party they've just been to, or a party coming up. So I just sit & listen. half of the time I don't even listen. All I do is zone out. Yep, that's started a bit again. But like before, I don't know what to do about it. I didn't know before, I don't know now. I used to hang out often with my friends. But now they keep on canceling. Half of the time it is 10 minutes before, or never even tell me. There was a girl who I'd talk to between classes, but she asked me for help & I guess she didn't like my answer. Because she left class without me & we normally walk together. She wasn't very blunt.

Most days I go without talking to anyone. The one person I talk to is my fucking mother. Over the weekend I had fun with my cousins, but that is the only enjoyable thing in the last few weeks. The only person I've talked to for more than a half an hour are my mother & a girl I really don't like.

I broke down the other day. Too many emotions. But I don't know. I feel so fucking stupid for having them. I watch all these fucking shows & everyone has drama & have friends to help them out. Everyone hugs it out when they cry. All I want right now is a fucking hug. But I have no one. How pathetic.

I've been trying to hide that I'm not okay. Doing well. Back to old habits again. Ugh.

The other thing cause chaos in my mind is happening a week from today. I find out if I am able to transfer or not. I get nauseous, hot, & upset every time I think about that day. I don't even know what I fucking want. I don't know if I want to get in. I do, but I don't. I'm afraid, & really think that those at the prosper school actually want me to get in, & go. I don't think I will get in. Man, my fucking self confidence is so low. A friend commented on my confidence being non existent. She says there is no reason I won't get in. That I need confidence. Ugh, I can't do this. I'm going to be sick.

Speaking of sick, but not really. I am having some escalating body issues. Occasionally, I don't have such a problem. But a lot of the time, all I want to be is thin. I've never had this problem.
I just need to be happy.
Reread my old post.
Get the fuck over this problem.
Food makes me happy.

Farewell, all. Things must get better, right?
But I fear summer is coming up, & I will just be upset & alone there too. Again, so fucking alone.

I am a Word that No One Ever Wants to Say.

ICMTMTB.
Wow. It is scary to write that down again. But it feels so great to let it out. To let someone know what it is.

ICMTMTB.
It is my creation. Yeah, it is just an acronym, but it became more to me. It became a living entity. Some living & breathing. Feeding off of me. A scary spark of an addiction.

ICMTMTB.
It became an obsession. My own little development that I nurtured & brought to life. It took over my life. Dark days.

ICMTMTB.
Repeated in my mind. Papers covered with this word. Etched into my skin. Like a number you become obsessed with, I began to see it everywhere.

ICMTMTB.
It began to sneak into my life & begin rooting itself in every part of my being. Trying to get someone to notice. Finding itself on random papers. My assignment notebook. Wanting to be seen. To spread.

ICMTMTB.
I began to chant it. When I was upset. Felt worthless. Felt unwanted. Sad. an association with the negative--all that I know.

ICMTMTB.
I have never spoken these words since 10th grade when things spiraled & I saw no end. These letters have not been written since then. I can feel my chest swell as my fingers easily find the keys.

ICMTMTB.
I have moved on, but have been carrying this weight for far too long.

ICMTMTB.
I'm shedding this part of my life. It will no longer control me.

ICMTMTB.
I cut myself to make things better.

Misery Won't Get the Best of Me

Positive post is needed I believe. I need to stop complaining about all that has happened. Need to stop dwelling in it, because it is obviously not getting me anywhere. So, instead, I am going to try to focus & list all the positive things. All the growth. All the good. Because I need to show myself they are there. They are finally in my life. Yeah, they are all new, but I need to take my focus on what I know, the crap, & instead shin the light on the good. The progress.

What sparked this? Well of course, no other than my Shelly. She pointed some things out to me in a conversation we had today. Ultimately this post is for me. Because it is something I need to realize & admit. But it is also for you, Shelly. Because I hope it brings a smile to your face.

Hmm, where to begin. Well let's start with the physicalness. I've been lying to myself for a long time. I always told myself that it was okay what I looked like, that other's didn't matter, because I need to please no one. That I can be happy with what I look like, & just be upset that other's aren't. I really want to believe that. I tell myself that is how I feel. But I still can't bare my reflection. It is a lie for me to not accept the truth that I am unattractive. Well, I've been digging at things, & somehow uprooted this philosophy, leaving me seeing my numerous flaws & also discovering a hate for myself & my appearance. But instead of dwelling on the things I hate, I need to focus on what I do like.
I am going t list the things I hate first. (this might seem counter productive, but I think that It will be good to look back & see that I was wrong, or see that I am being too picky. Or maybe it is a mistake. But I am going to make it anyways.) Here we go, from head to toe:
1. How my hair has this place where it will not curl
2. How many wrinkles I have on my face
3. How big my forehead is
4. How round my face is
5. How small my eyes are
6. My neck. Its size & the display of my disease.
7. My stretch marks on my shoulder. It just shows HOW fat I am.
8. My flabby upper arms
9. The stretch marks on my inner elbows.
10. My FAT fingers.
11. HOW FUCKING MUCH my skin is ruined on my torso.
12. My stomach. It is absolutely disgusting.
13. Mt fucking love handles.
14. My flabby inner thighs.

So that is all that I hate. Some not even hate, just dislike. Hopefully my idea about them will change. With time. With time. I guess...

Things I like. I can't say I love anything. But I will let myself like them. Because there is nothing good from stopping that. I always think it is wrong to like yourself, because it makes you full of yourself. But I'm sure that feels a hell of a lot better than this. So here we go again:
1. I like that my hair is curly. It gives me personality & I wouldn't change it for anything else.
2. I like the color of my eyes. I do think they are pretty, & I wouldn't change them. If I were to see them on someone else, I would compliment them. So I will have to compliment myself.
3. I do like my odd single dimple. Haha. I don't know where the other one went.
4. I like my high cheek bones. They make my smiles more... with my whole face? I don't know..
5. So I like my chin face forward, but I think I have one of the ugliest profiles EVER. But I do not mind my chin.
6. I don't mind my nose. I don't like it, but I don't care about it. I've grown to be content with it.
7. I guess I like my breasts? I don't know. That sounds so weird. I definitely wouldn't like attention to them, (which I have gotten like once in my life) I feel like absolutely NO ONE notices me, & would never notice them. For no guy has ever noticed me, sadly. But I like them. They are big, & fun to joke about.
8. I like my fingernails. I really do. They are thin, but Man, I have seen some pretty terrible fingernails.
9. I guess I like my muscular legs, but they make me feel butch. I always feel butch though.
10. I also like my toes. I don't know why, but there isn't any feet that I like more than mine. I think they are perfect (in my eyes.) Yeah they're wide & huge, but I don't really mind. Yeah, they are in terrible condition, but I could fix that if I cared at all.
11. Forgot my smile when I was at my face. I do like my smile. A lot actually.

So over all, there are more things I dislike, but that will change in time hopefully. I think that 10 things is a lot.

So let's move on, shell we? How about... what I like about myself that isn't physical. I am not going to make a list about what I don't like here since no one is perfect & I should believe I should be an exception to this rule. Yeah... let's kick it:
1. I think I am a caring person. I am very aware of others & care about them.
2. I try really hard to be nice to people.
3. I like to be me, but I do care what other's think. I won't compromise myself for anyone else, but I won't hurt or disrespect anyone in the process.
4. I am funny. Lol. That isn't funny.
5. I have a quirky personality.
6. I'm not an idiot.
7. I know a lot of random stuff.
8. Can't deny I like good music & movies.
9. I don't (really when it matters) judge people.
10. I'm empathetic.
11. I'm weird.
12. I'm unique.
13. I care about learning how to improve the lives of others.
14. I love animals.
15. People know who I am. Well, in a certain sense.
16. I have mistakes in my past, meaning I have lived.
17. I am willing to work fucking hard to improve myself.
18. I am done settling.

Hmm, that seems like a nicely compiled list, don't you think?

Anything else? I know, things I have. I like to always talk about what I don't have. What I've missed out on. What I've been denied. But I need to acknowledge what I do have. Even if it is new. I need to acknowledge them. I am not going to make comparisons, like I am not living in a war torn area & what not, because we all should be aware of how lucky we are to be where we are in life. But in the sense of our reality. Listy list:

1. I have an amazing best friend, who is always there for me no matter where I drag her. I know that I can depend on her.
2. Besides Shelly, there are other people who are my friends who are wonderful.
3. I'm loved & cared about.
4. I have an opportunity to learn (not in the college sense. but the life sense.)
5. I have people to love.
6. I know that there are people in my life now, that will always be a part of who I am & my life & future.

There are probably more, but I don't know what they are at the moment.

Last list of the night, or should I say morning, is one of all that I want. I know I will have to work to get them, but I am willing to do so. So here we go, one last time:

1. To keep my creepily close friendship/relationship (cause it sure the hell is more than a friendship) with Shelly.
2. I will no longer be a doormat of others.
3. I will no longer be hurt by someone & just brush it off.
4. I will learn to love myself.
5. I will become confident.
6. I will learn how to talk to people, especially the opposite sex.
7. I will stop being so afraid.
8. I will keep the essence of who I am in the process of these changes.

There you go. My life. Where I am. A snapshot of the moment. I think it looks pretty good. Still needs a lot of work. But it actually looks like a person now.

Farewell all. Sleep soundly.

Loose Lips May Sink Ships.

I feel like it is tuesday all fucking over again. I keep on going up & down & up & down. At least I am not quiet as upset today as I was that day, but I still feel pretty shitty.

At the moment, Shelly is trying to get me to talk to her. Well, that came out wrong. She asked me if I wanted to, & I said no because she should be working. She always puts me frist & suffers for it, & I need to stop being so selfish.

So let me just get what is really fucking with me off my mind at the start, even though it's most recent. So O. Yeah, we are no longer friends & never will be again. & I feel like such a shitty friend to her. I mean, I wasn't horrible, but I wasn't there for her when she needed me & I have hurt her. I have hurt her enough that she is done being my friend.
Here is the transcript of our texts.

J: Are we ever going to talk? Are we friends anymore?
J: Will you please just answer the second question?
O: You’ve changed & our friendship isn’t the same anymore. Maybe we were meant to be high school friends.
J: You’ve changed too. College does that to people.
O: How have I changed?
J: You aren’t as happy. & something else I can’t identify is there that has caused you to give up friends
O: I'm not as happy…right I thought I was (a nickname that involves her name).
J: Can we just talk because texting complicates everything
J: (My old roommate) called you that. You were happy though.
O: Right & you ganged up on me for being a negative bitch for no reason then?
J: What?
J: Come on. What do you want from me, O?
J: Really? why won’t you just talk to me? Why are you so content with losing this friendship? Does it mean that little to you?
J: Nothing is going to happen if we don’t talk. If you won’t answer your phone at least text me back.
J: How have I changed?
(then I sent her a long letter
O: I'm not mad at you, but I can't talk to you because I don't know what's going on.
J: What do you mean?
O: I don't know.
J: Why can't we just talk I sent you a letter that says everything I have to say.
J: what do you mean going on? Like do you have any ideas?
O: & I just sent you my response.
O: I don't know.
J: are you sure you sent it?
O:I was referring to my text.
J: oh... what?
(I get so confused.)
J: why can't we talk?
O: because I don't want to.
J: why notttt? It will make this easier.
J: are you okay... seriously?
J: O?
J: okay you;re making me worry. If you don't answer I'll start calling non stop again.
(all day goes by)
J: O?
O: Yes?
J: are you okay?
O: I think it's part birth control. I feel insane.
J: just talk to me.
O: I don't want to talk & I don't want to think
J: I'm not going to care how upset or whatever you are, but you need to talk to someone.
J: It doesn't have to be for long
O: I just can't. You Don't understand.
J: I do. I really do. you will feel better. Just try. If it's too much or too hard, we'll stop, but you need to just try it.
O: Just text me whatever you want to say.
J: come on. I don't care if you cry or yell. Just talk it out to me.
O: I DON"T WANT TO.
J: why not? It will feel good.
O: How the fuck do you know that?
J: I've felt insane & like crap before. Talk it out.
O this is the last time that I'm gonna say that I don't want to.
J: Fine. Well I'm here if you ever change your mind. Tomorrow call your doctor! they will take you off this pill. It's your hormones. It's okay.
O: right. that's the thing I really can't blame it on the pills.
J; Yeah you can. It's amazing what they can do.
J: Women have seriously killed their husbands because of hormones.
O: Well I'm saying this isn't just my hormones. I ended whatever I had with Shelly before I even started bcp.
J: I know... what are you feeling?
J: You should still call the doctor.
O: I feel like shit cause I literally have no friends.
J: I have to ask, & please don't ignore this question, should I be worried that you are going to hurt yourself or do anything worse?
J: well you can't do this to them without letting them know what's going on.
O" What would I do? Slit my wrist with a pair of scissors? Jump off a building? Summer is in six weeks. I'm not fucking suicidal.
J: I don't know. You've got me worried. Are you going to hurt yourself? like mutilation?
O: Please stop being retarded.
J: O. I'm serious.
O: So am I. Thanks for making me laugh.
J: Ugh. I'm pissed at that.
J: Is there anything I can do for you...?
O: You can stop acting like you're my best friend.
J: are we friends at all?
O: I don't know are we?
J: I don't know what you want from me. I'm asking this sincerely because I wish someone had cared about me. So I want you to know that I care about you.
J: You know, it's up to you.
J: Hello?
O: I don't have a reply.
J: why not? I just had said something personal & important to you. say something.
O: well you obviously feel that our friendship is one that can suddenly end.
J: I do? O! You just told me we were not friend anymore tow days ago. I don;t want this to end but it takes two to have a friendship. & You just ended it with Shelly.
O: Okay. So I don't know what you want to hear from me.
J: What's up. what you want. I want nothing but to help you.
O: I wanted a best friend who I could tell anything to. You were never that person because you were always embarrassed or felt too awkward to talk about things. & so I could never really trust you even though you were my best friend. & then you go & switch me for Shelly. What am I supposed to do then?
J: you never tried to talk to me. Try now.
O: I considered both you & Shelly my best friends & I always wanted to hang out together. But you & crystal ever wanted me there. Was I supposed to be happy about this? I mean I never let it show cause I'm not going to be a bitter bitch but wtf? & this has nothing to do with what happened between me & Shelly so don't even bring it up.
J: I'm sorry. We didn't always invite you because we didn't want to make you feel like a third wheel. We were wrong. I do consider you a best friend. But we were never the kind to share with one another. There's a whole lot of shit in my life that you don't know. & it's because I never thought you cared to know. I would have been there to talk to you if you needed it. & I never thought I showed anything but that to you.
O: You didn't think i cared because I'm the pessimistic blunt bitch is what you're trying to say.
J: No that is not what I said. but yeah, you're blunt. would you have listened I felt like you've always turned a blind eye.
O: Yea because we never talked about anything important.
J: so I want to ask you something. I've been digging up my past & something keeps nagging at me. I don't care what your answer is, I won't be mad. but I really want to know. did you know I cut myself for 6 years did you know & not care Or did you just never notice?
J: please don't tell anyone about that. I prefer no one else to know. & you & shelly are the only ones who do. that says a lot about what you mean to me.
O: Yea you told Shelly & I basically forced it out of you under these circumstances. Makes me feel great. & no i didn't know. How the fuck was I supposed to know? Just because I'm your best friend doesn't mean that I will know how to read your mind.
J: I tried to tell you in my poetry. don't worry, no fucking person noticed. It took so much from me to tell shelly. & I'm sorry, but don't act like you care too much about me.
O: Your poetry. Right because I just happen to love poems so fucking much. & you're right I don't care about you anymore because it's obvious that you don't know the first fucking thing about me.
J: Thanks. I don't know what you want from me o.
O: this conversation did make me feel better because it made me see that we were never best friends to begin with. so thank you.
J: Ugh. then why can't we just be friends? Why do i have to be your best friend? can we just be friends or do we have to go to no friends?
O: I was fine with being just friends because I'm not an idiot & I've know that Shelly was your best friend since at least senior year. But it's different now & I can see that we had a superficial friendship that has lost meaning now.
J: But I still consider you a close & good friend. Maybe I was wrong, but I don't know why you want to not be friends at all.
O: can you not understand that our whole friendship was a lie? We pretended to be happy. how can I ever look at you again & not feel betrayed?
J: What do you mean? I had so much fun with you.
O: Right so you had fun with me & then after I left you would cut yourself? Our friendship was a joke.
J: no it wasn't. we were best friends. are you telling me you were super happy all the time? I'm sorry, I had shit in my life but it wasn't connected to our friendship.
O: Obviously I wasn't your best friend if you couldn't bother to tell me one single thing. Just because I was happy doesn't mean that there was shit in my life that i didn't want to tell you.
J: then you should have. I never said you didn't. I didn't tell anyone, not just you.
O: Well you should have. We can't even have a convo about tampons cause it makes you uncomfortable. How was I supposed to tell you my life shit?
J: As long as they don't involve feminine care. I'm down. You can't say I should have told you things if you wouldn't. & I just did.
O: Yeah, like telling me now will make any difference.
J: I never said it would. I don't want to spill my guys out to you. I'm a private person. But you obviously want to. & I am here if you want to. You just don't trust me.
O: I would trust my best friend but i don't have one anymore.
J: You didn't trust me when we were best friends.
O: You never gave me reason to.
J: I would tell anyone.
O: That's cause you don't have anyone to tell now except shelly.
J: Wel I wouldn't tell her. you know, I don't know know how many times you want me to say sorry. You can't just be mad we weren't close when you didn't do anything to make us closer. If you really want to tell me, do it. we can't change the past, we might as well not swell in it. we should focus on the present/future.
O: We study history for a reason. & I can't imagine a future with you.
J: Why? Why do you not want to be friends?
O: I don't thin I will ever be happy when I'm with you anymore.
J: Really? What the hell did I do wrong O? You know, I thought I was a good friend.
O: Right. You were a terrible friend to me. & You're showing it right now. Why do you still want to be friends?
J: Because I enjoy spending time with you.
O: You won't anymore.
J: Not if you hate me.
O: I don't hate you & I don't hate Shelly. I miss shelly & I will miss you but thats it.
J: Why does that have to be it?
O: I don't feel anything is keeping us together anymore.
J: Well I care about you. Do you not care about me? Because that would be enough.
O: No I don't. I'm going to sleep.
J: Really o? That's it?
J: So we're not friends anymore? I'll miss you.

Fuckkkkk. I'm glad she can sleep. I know I won't. The rest of my weekend had some shit in it, but I just want to turn myself off right now. So later I will empty myself.

Necktie... Neckturn... Nickel... It's an "N" word, it's definitely an "N" word!

Yep it is. The word is nuisance. Because that is what my appearance is to me.

Body issues. They are something that haunts every female, but hits some of us harder. Beats us with a bat. But you know what? Some of us deserve it though. Need to be put into their place, because let’s admit it, some of us, particularly me, need to get that punishment for being so unluckily fucking ugly. Because lord knows I am.

That’s right, I was beaten as a child with an ugly stick & the resulting scars leave me with no confidence & disgust for my body. Everything about it is terrible. I don’t think I have any redeeming qualities, except maybe my eyes & those are so tiny.

I know I know. There are all those girls who are beautiful & thin who complain about there bodies. & in my opinion, so that someone could say “no! you’re so pretty! You’re so thin!” But I’m not one of those people. Especially since I rarely ever get the “you’re pretty! You’re not fat!” response. & way too often have I been called fat & ugly. Well at lease they’re not lying to me.

I really do hate my body. & I have a right to. It is very unfortunate. I’m not one of those 120 pound girls who think they are huge. No, I’m one of those unimaginable weight girl who is riddled with stretch marks, flabby fat, & a skin disease that could make someone looking at my naked self (which I don’t do) lose their supper.
I am not someone who you can say “no,, no! You’re thin!” because I really am not. I am disgusting. I wish I had the strength to do something more about it. But I am not.

Besides my weight, I am an unattractive person. Really, I am. Only one person has called me pretty & she says she thinks everyone is attractive in some way. So really, no one has. Which I’m not digging for. I don’t want to be lied to. But I still wish people wouldn’t call me ugly. I get it enough from myself.

As a result of this body, I don’t look in the mirror. I don’t enjoy shopping. I fear scales. I hate photos. I hate myself.

You know, I see these people who are confident, & they of course they have their issues, but they are comfortable. I don’t want to be a cocky bitch. I just want to be able to talk to someone without constantly thinking about how horrible I must appear. I want to be able to see myself & not get sick to my stomach. It’s not that I want to love myself, I just don’t want to hate me. But I have absolutely no fucking idea how to go about this.

It's Me & the Moon

Hello there. I am just soo drained at the moment. Been awake for far too many hours. & am consumed by a wide range of emotions. However, the spectrum doesn't exactly include the happy ones.

Today has been long. I think it is because it is running into yesterday & I feel like much of it was lost, but still don't know.

I do know one thing. I need to stop fucking saying "I don't know". I don't, but man do I sound like a broken record. Well, maybe I think like one too & have an excuse like one as well.

First thing this morning I had an appointment with my therapist. I really wanted to vent about yesterday, because I was feeling like shit, but no. We have to talk about what emotions I have & what better ways to deal with them. Still. She still brings up the idea of me being hospitalized. That is just not okay with me. It really bothers me. But mostly, it just scares the fuck out of me. I do know that I don't want to be institutionalized. I don't. She is afraid that I am going to be revert back to my old ways of self harm. & she even said that she is keeping a close "suicide-watch" eye on me. What the fuck? Never did I tell her that I wanted or even thought about taking my life. Because I don't. That is one thing I DO fucking know.

After all of my lovely classes, which I could not pay attention in, I talked with Shelly. But I can't help but really dislike myself at the moment for it. I can honestly say that I didn't have a conscious manipulation for making her talk to me. Seriously. But I guess everyone is thinking I'm a liar these days.

Last night, or more like this morning, I sent Shelly a text asking her to read this blog before we talk next. I figured it would save time & she could have a direct understanding of everything. When I sent that text, I had been thinking for hours about what to say in it. How to word it to make it not seem like a thing I needed asap. When to send it. How much detail do I give. Do I tell her that I'm not okay? Or do I just let her assume? A good chunk of time that should have been spent sleeping was being wasted on these stupid thoughts. So I decided to put an end of this nonsense by just sending the text then. She was supposed to be asleep, but of course she wasn't. But I know that I said in the text that It was premature & that I know we weren't going to be talking for a while & how that was okay. Because it was! & not to worry about me.

I seriously didn't think she'd read them then & then want to talk today. I didn't want to talk to her today because I feel so guilty. Ugh. So Shelly, I'm sorry. But we did talk. Hahaha. No, I sobbed the whole time. I was a mess. & I feel so fucking terrible for doing that to her.

djaogiaogiwjaog

I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. At least when I lose this, it won't be because of my fucking mother.


On top of this. It's pretty official. O is no longer my friend. A six, almost seven, year friendship ended because of three calls & a fucking nap. I will admit that life is not fucking fair to me.

I don't really know where to go from here. I am trying to make plans, but I don't know, things always fall apart on me. I read the directions, I set it up carefully. Put time, effort, & myself into it. But when I take that step back to enjoy it, it crumbles. I can't always be the one standing there holding everything up. Because I always am. & my back i fucking breaking.

I oddly feel like life is taking its course a bit here. I'm not one of those people to believe in stupid shit like that, but I don't know. I think my life is clearing itself of the shit that has infested it. It got tired of waiting for me to do it. So now it's taking the reins & doing steering for me. My old roommate was not nice to me. She put me down to make herself feel better. I was a doormat & I never tried to pick myself up off the floor. Just assumed it was my place to be. But this opportunity opened up (which never fucking happens to me) & I just rode the curtails until I found myself with one less friend. Yeah, I am upset about it. & I miss her. But I think that it was right. Now I have that sliver of hate gone. I mean, I can't cut out the main source, because we're talking about my life here, & Me dead isn't going to solve anything. But I think my life is better now without her there feeding on the little good I have.

Well the next event was with O. I really like O, but I don't exactly know why. She is not nice. Frankly, she is a bitch. Yet no one really lets her know that. But of all the people she is mean to is me. Ask anyone. I don't know what my confidence would be like if I didn't have her oh my shoulder, telling me (fucking bluntly at that) all of my flaws. But despite all this, she was still my best friend for a good portion of my life. I am upset that we aren't friends anymore, but how bad is it really? She is hurting me so fucking much right now, but I think there are two possible outcomes from this: first & more likely one, I will have one less friend. A friend who wasn't nice to me & really wasn't a friend. Or second, we will be friends but she will know that I'm done with all her shit.

All I know right now is I'm not very happy. I am so afraid of being hurt at this point that I don't want to do anything. I know that I often set myself up for these sort of things, but I think most know how I am. Know what I need. & should sort of see this thing in the making.

Where to go from here? Honestly I still just want to sleep & never fucking wake up.

I sleep so I don't have to feel the truth that you can't ever be the one person that won't ever forget me.

1-09 Daisy.m4a

Oh man. Talk about a crap of a day. Horrible. Almost completely terrible.

First I overslept. Fuck it, I woke up & decided to go back to sleep. So I missed my first class, & I have a test next week. But I don't even care at this point. & I feel stupid for complaining about something so small.

So after I did pull my fat ass out of bed & got to my class, I couldn't concentrate. THis is the first time in a long time that this has happened. & it's scary, for it is the first sign on the road to hell.

But the real fun begins after classes were over. I went to get lunch & decided to eat for a family of five. I was completely disgusted with myself. I don't even know how to describe it. But let's just say it wasn't fun. I really wanted to do something about it, because I caught a glimpse of myself & almost didn't need to put a hand down my throat. But I made a promise. & I will honor it.

But I decided to donate some blood. I'm honestly not sure why. I couldn't tell you. Lately I've been doing things that are completely done without thought. Which is against everything I am. Like getting my ears pierced, & the things I did on vacation. Well this donation is another to add to the list. I had never donated blood before, because I have been boarder line anemic since I bled so much for six years, I hate needles, & when I got my blood drawn, I almost passed out. But still, I went for it. When the blood started flowing, I instantly started feeling queazy. & not far after, I began to lose consciousness. The lady made me lay down & sniff some awful smelling things. After I felt like I could walk & my blood was taken, I left, but still feeling a bit shaky & very nauseous.

I thought I might pass out, so I decided I would call someone while I walked back to my dorm. I realized then that I have fucking no one. No one but my mother. Great. So who did I call? Nope, sadly not the ghost busters, but my mother. She made me feel thousands of times worse. Especially about myself, since I was already at a low. How did I end up here where I have no one but the only person who probably hates me more than I hate myself? How? Fuck it, if I know.

So as we've discussed, I already had a bad experience with food for the day & was totally not planning on eating for a while, but you have to upon giving blood. So I ate a snack & then dinner. I'm sure I will sprout a tail one of these days.

After this fiasco, I decided to watch this really great, but horribly sad, documentary. It was so upsetting. & made me feel even worse. Why was I having such a "terrible day" in a "terrible life" when other people truly know what hell is? Shed tears that deserve to be shed. I really do disgust myself sometimes.

Well, a while later a friend came over to watch LOST with me. It is normally fun, the only time during the week that I actually spend with anyone more than a lunch. But this time was too much. I had to put my mask really on tonight. I was really unhappy & drained already, but she never left! She didn't leave until 1 am! Too much! I mean, some of it was fun. We watched some videos, & had some laughs, but in general I felt like crap. & hiding it for hours.

Although lost was on, I didn't get to really watch it because I was too busy texting one of my best friends. She had gotten in a really bad fight with Shelly regarding not answering texts & calls. When she was telling me about what hd happened, I told her I completely understand why she is upset. She deserves to be angry, but she was acting irrational in the idea that she should end a close friendship over it. Well, evidently, she can end two.
Here is a transcript of our texts: She'll O & I'm J:

O: Hello?
J: Ahh! sorry I was getting dinner!
O: You haven't answered any on my calls since spring break. Are you trying to make a point?
J: It's so not on purpose!
O: Seems like too much of a coincidence to be a coincidence.
J: How is it a coincidence?!
O: I think I've called you five times in the past three days. Seriously.. you just happened to miss all of them?
J: yes! I was napping yesterday with my phone on silent (no it wasn't but I wasn't going to answer it when I'm sleeping.) & then was getting dinner the one time today. I called you back yesterday when I woke up.
J: I'm sorry, but I'm not "trying to prove a point"
O: Right so out of the five times I called you only bothered to call me back once.
J: it was after all your calls yesterday.
O: I don't know anymore. Obviously you are on Shelly's side & it's annoying.
J: Why does that even matter?
O: Because I feel like you are now testing our friendship. I can feel your disapproval. & now I know that you would choose her over me.
J: I'm not choosing sides! I'm friends with both of you. & I'm not testing our friendship! It wasn't on purpose.
O: Well you said some shit last time we saw each other that makes me think otherwise.
J: Well I think you overreacted, but I thought we were still friends.
O: Whatever. I don't want to get in a fight. Let's just drop it.
(Ofcourse I send my text before reading this one.)
J: I'm sorry I offended you but I thought I was able to speak my mind in this friendship.
(why can't I just fucking listen?!?!?!)
O: ...well apparently you only know how to defend Shelly.
J: I'm defending myself now aren't I? I told you I totally understand why you're upset. Completely. But it wasn't fair for you to end a friendship.
J: I'm down with not fighting & I'm sorry I missed your calls.
O: Too bad cause you just pissed me off.
(but none of this is new?!)
J: how? Why? I'm sorry!
O: Whatever. Fuck this. You can go marry Shelly & raise orphans together.
(I don't know what that even means.)
J: What? O! I'm sorry! It really wasn't on purpose!
J: O? Please...
O: Honestly who is your best friend?
J: Why does that even matter? & Shelly, cause she's done a whole lot for me this school year. But you are one of my best friends. My closest friends. One of my only great friends.
(I think that sounds really nice...?)
O: yea that makes me feel all better. Thanks. Unfortunately I don't really care at this point.
J: What? O! Why?
J: are you not talking to me anymore?
O: what do you want to hear?
J: I don't know. But I don't want to lose one of my closest friends over a nap.
O: It feels really pathetic to call you a close friend when we aren't even close anymore.
J: what do you mean? I talk to you alot.. we can't be as close as we were when we live 5 hours apart.
O: Are you kidding me? That's the lamest excuse ever. Why do you think I call you?
J: I know. I was seriously not doing it on purpose.
O: Okay so? & since we're speaking our minds today, I think you are a bitch for what you did to your old roommate. & saying you wouldn't change what you did... wow thats really messed up.
(glad she got that off her chest.)
J: sorry... are we not friends anymore?
J: could we talk about this?
O: I'm busy right now.
J: okay.. later?
O: Not tonight.
J: Okay.... I am sorry.
O: Seriously I have to write a paper. Stop texting me.

Fuccckkk! What do I do?!?! I don't know! I don't know where I went wrong?

So on top of this, I have no one to talk to. I know I have Shelly, but she is studying for a test right now. I know I'm not going to be able to sleep. I know that I won't be okay tomorrow. I don't know.

Another thing happened. So... I am hesitant about putting it here. But I have to. Shelly, read this knowing how fucked I am right now. Okay?

So I decided a while ago, at Shelly's request, not to put too much into things. Well I failed, once again. I had offered to drive down to where she goes to school, pick her up, & then surprise her parents with a visit. She had initially said no, but then changed to maybe. & then when we talked it seemed like a real close yes. So I began to look forward to it. I had told her that I wouldn't have to see her more than the car ride there. After today, I began to anticipate that great two hours, because hell, I need them. & I was hoping that she would take some time to actually spend some time with me. But I knew that was NOT a sealed deal. But I can't help but look forward. & I always fucking get hurt. So I'm already having a hell of a day when she tells me she can't come. Fuck. It hit me like a ton of bricks. But It's 100% my fault, as always. But I really fucking need it. What to do now.

Not only do I now have to end my horrible week at home with my mother. & not a shred of good. Nothing. No fucking light at the end of this tunnel. But Shelly has another test, & (it's totally okay! I mean that!) but she cuts out the talks those days. But of course it has to be during my bad day. Ugh. But I can't ask that from her. She does too much already. I actually realllllyyy fucking the myself right now because I needed to talk to her so badly that I hinted that I needed her. But luckily she brushed it off & I didn't distract her. But I feel bad, because I fear she might worry. Hopefully not.

Yeah, it's only tuesday at 2:45am. Fuck I'm screwed.
Why do I have nothing good to look forward to? How did I end up here? So fucking incredibly indisputably lonely. Within the span of a month lost two friends. I miss my old roommate daily, especially today when my friend kept on talking about her. & I already miss O.

Ugh I really don't want to deal with this. I just want to fucking sleep & never wake up.

If I Could I'd Sit this Out.

Yeah, another day down. I can't even keep track of the days lately. They all string together. Luckily, nothing is outstandingly horrible that makes each day a living hell. So that is an improvement. But there are only smart parts of each day that are actually enjoyable.

Last night I played the nostalgia card.& Luckily I didn't lose my hand with that move. I actually won, or played well at least. I decided to read a bit of a journal I kept last year. Unlike this blog, I didn't really keep up with it, so there isn't much in it. But it did reveal just how far I've come. How much progress I've made. & it truly is evident.

The first few entries were from a long time ago. Before I even began to open up to Shelly. When I was in complete denial. Entirely. I questioned why I was so upset. Thinking I had absolutely no reason for my depression. Wondering why I had been depressed all of my life. I actually wrote: "Some might say it is good to escape reality from time to time as I do. But I am not sure what I am trying to escape. I should be happy. Always. Everything & anything I want, I can most likely get. My future looks bright & filled with opportunity. Yet I don't even know if I want to have one. Honestly. I am not content. I am not happy. It's not that I'm only unhappy some of the time, but it seems like every moment. I have never been consumed by joy.. I've mastered the creation of a facade. Most, if not all, of those around me falsely believe that I am completely happy. But I feel broken. A shell of myself. Sometimes completely numb. I function, walk, speak, eat without feeling anything. I don't understand my despair. I couldn't tell you where it stems from. Why I'm unhappy. I think it comes from a dislike of myself. But nothing else is really wrong with me life."

Where the fuck was I? I remember the night I spoke with Shelly, at a real low, & opening up about the abuse. I honestly didn't realize that it was something wrong. That is was abnormal. Wasn't a part of everyday life behind every other closed door. It took a lot of "yeah, it's bad. It's abuse" from Shelly before the idea that it wasn't right even began to sink in. So much denial. I could feel how deeply upset I was. How depressed I was, well still am, but I honestly didn't know why.

But I know why now. I know who to blame. & I feel like a bit of blame can be scattered to everyone in my life. Obviously my parents carry a heavy load of responsibility, but everyone else gets there share too. ow about everyone who still hurts me. All the time, I find new bruises (not just the real ones) upon my heart. I don't know if it's a mistake that I have suddenly relocated it to my sleeve. How about a bit for every fucking person in my life who has no fucking idea. They can't go by without a bit of responsibility.

But I can't escape it either. I am a big factor as to why I'm so fucked up. Well I'm changing. I'm realizing what I do & don't deserve. But that doesn't mean anything, when you can only play the hand that's dealt.

Farewell all, another will be coming shortly.

Fall Through the Cracks. You Might Find that the True Beauty is Laying Underneath.

I've slipped through everyone's life. I fell by the wayside on their paths through time & have always been the one bumped off of their list of thing to think about. To worry about.

Since I've gone unnoticed for so long, I have a general lack of acknowledgment from all. I hate the idea of seeking attention. I truly do. & the placement of my scars do not support the idea of my actions as a cry out. However, I can't help but wish someone would see them. Only once did I run a blade across my skin in hopes of acknowledgment. Upon my arm a three inch scar lies & its purposes was to get my parents to fucking realize I'm not okay. I'm not o-fucking-kay. But of all the scars I wear, that one is the one I regret the most. That one is the one I hate the most. I don't know how much animosity I would harbor if I had achieved my goal, but I don't have the opportunity to know. Because my parents never said a word. They never had the decency to care.

My therapist has informed me that every person craves attention. Craves acknowledgment & it is only human of me to take drastic measures to receive it. To bad it didn't work. She said it was only normal & understandable that I cling to those who provide it. But I know I'll drive them away because of this. But I just don't know how to control it. Manna sure is a hell of a drug.

I know that when I was still hooked on the drug of pain, of blood, I would have denied any implication that I was practicing self-mutilation. That I was a cutter. Because anyone who has a secret knows that if they wanted to truly stop, then they will seek help. Denial is an easy thing, & it is always used if you're complacent with the way things are. But I just can't wrap my head around the fact that I meant so little to everyone that not a single person knew. Not a single person saw. Not a single person guessed. Not a single person inquired. Not a single fucking person cared. But I'm used to this by now. Some scars 6 fucking years in the making. Most scars almost 7 years old. Only few have faded, because it's difficult for the red to grow fainter with time if they continue to be reopened. To bleed again. No one has seen them. When someone finally does, I haven't truly settled on any actions, but I think I might tell the truth. Because if they notice, they must fucking care.

This lack of attention is like a gun and blows my mind against the ceiling, that has been waiting to meet me for years now. I mean yes, the majority of the scars lie on my legs, but not all of them. The cry-out to my parents lies on my right arm. It was deep & gritty, but has faded by now. Yet, no one noticed. No one asked. I hung out with my cousin the very next day. No inquiry. Although the ones on my legs are hidden by pants, & long shorts, I do own a pool. A fucking pool. Come on people! I've had pool parties! Nope. Gym shorts are a bit shorter than my taste. Nope. Changed in front of people in gym. Nope. Yes, I did change in the bathroom when things got too rough, but not always. I cut a few lines on my leg when I was on vacation. Yeah, I know my parents don't give a damn about me enough to notice, but I was with a friend. Red lines appear on my leg but she doesn't notice. Then again she spent most of the day either on her phone or in the internet room talking to her best friend.

Besides the physical signs, there was a bit more obvious one. If you haven't caught on by now, I am a poetic person. Well, not only does my everyday writing portray this prominent aspect of myself, but I write actual poetry. I have since elementary school. Despite my love for stringing beautiful words together, the poetry isn't actually written well. Just look at this blog. But nonetheless, I shared it. I am a very private person, & I don't normally share things that show my flaws, but I did share my poetry. With many people actually. If you're a close friend of mine, & sometimes that's not even a requirement, then you've read my poetry. My best friend in middle school, & most of high school, has read almost every poem I've written. She wanted to be my "editor" when I published them. She sure let me know they were crap. But here is an example of that crap. An old piece of writing:

Lying to myself:

Wishing that the day will fade
I want to chase the pain away
Shooting pain
And little scars
Wishing on
Fallen stars
Bleeding out
All my shame
There is comfort
In this pain
The same routine
With every night
I somehow think
This wins my fights
I do not cry
Insted I bleed
My scars show how
I hate me
As time goes on
New scars appear
Sometimes I wish
I wasn't here.
But I wake
To a brand new day
And as time goes on
Like Scars, I fade

A few people have read this poem, & many others like it, yet no one has noticed that they aren't just words. I'm pretty sure this is blunt. I know poetry can be subtle, but I think this is fucking blatant. Why did no one worry? Or question? I turned a poem quiet like this into an english class in 6th grade & again in 7th grade for assignments. Nope. Not even they worried. Aren't they supposed to?! Isn't that their job?!

I have actually posted some of my work on line (http://paperbags7.deviantart.com/), & that same friend has an account there too. A poem of mine reads:
they are just little reminders
that I failed once more
my little kisses of disapointment
the stains of my affliction are washing away
you have made me perfect once more
& she commented: "My little kisses of disappointment"
GAHHH. I really like that line! The sexy poet is back! "
One, it is one of the only compliments she's ever given me, but it comes at a bitter price: that she didn't see what that line was even saying. But then again, no one has. Everyone has read them.

I can't change the fact that no one cares. I got by without anyone. Without anyone noticing I was suffering in silence. But in reality screaming out until my lungs collapse & my heart gave way. I need not be bitter that no one has even given a fuck about me, & instead realize, thatI am stronger than I think I am. That while others need these vast support systems to keep them afloat, I got through everything I have without help. Without a single person for support. That I stopped a six year addiction on my own, where people go into rehab for less intense ones. I stopped myself from taking those pills. That I can get through anything. & from here on I do have a copilot. A support system. It might not be very sturdy, but It's not going anywhere.

Farewell all. If you ever want help & don't seem to be getting it from anyone in your life, know that you can do it on your own. It's not ideal, & when you look back you might have wish you called it quits, but you never know. You could find true happiness in the end. Happily ever after is just for fairy tales, but that doesn't mean better than today lives in tomorrow isn't for reality, & you're reality at that.

"So, if you made it
Just be glad that you did and stay there
If you ever feel loved or needed
Remember that you're one of the lucky ones "

We Learn as We Age.

I know you'll never change
I won't be good enough for you
I know I'll make it through
You'll never be around to see.

It is true. I will never be good enough for it seems like everyone. & it seems like no matter who it is, I always let them down. My parents have these unattainable goals for me. THis idea of who they want me to be--perfect in a very literal sense. But I can't be perfect, in fact no one can. I might be farther from it than most people, but It will never be something I can achieve. & I can;t kill myself trying. & sadly, that can be taken in the literal sense.

Besides my parents, I have a high quota I ask myself to fill. But I don't always see it as negative. I can always be better, because I have so many flaws. I can always be thinner, smarter, better. & I'm the weak one in the way of achieving this.

But it's not just me & my parents. Others seem to lay out these ground rules & expectations from me, & I rarely measure up. I know it's not healthy for me to truly believe I am a failure, but what evidence do I have to counter attack this idea? Because I sure in the hell have enough to make a strong supporting case.

But I do know I'll make it through. I know that I will get through this hell like I always do. I might be beaten & battered, with a heart of stone, but I'm still standing. Barely, quivering, but on my feet nonetheless. So I know I'll get by, because I have to. I just don't know when--if ever--I'll see an end to this cycle.

That's right I'll see the end of this game, but I'm no longer playing it front of an audience. No more. I'm going to get away from these key players when I can. But I fear that I really won't be able to do this on my own. & I really have little to help me. Like a child I need constant care--but like my childhood, I lack it. & I can only see a continuance of this malsupplement of care in the future. What to do? Nothing. I have nothing.

So yeah, I'll be taking these steps. Rolling the dice this time, & no longer stalling. But I honestly fear that I while I make these moves in battle that I won't really see the worth.

I've been making some of these sort of changes lately. First, I sat away from my mother during a movie. Next I moved to not sit with my parents during our plane ride back from vacation. & finally, I went shopping with mother today & went my own way. However, I feel like I've accomplished nothing & my body now aches.

Do I venture from the safety of the ways I know & hope for the best? Or do I remain in this cycle & just except things as they are?

When You Push on Glass, It's Bound to Break.

I've walked so far on a lonely street
With no one there for me.

The mass majority of my life has spent in the dark. Dwelling in the shadows. Alone. Completely alone. & loneliness is a great pain & burden. I finally found someone. I'm no longer alone, but I still fear backtracking to the life I've always known.

So except this confession.
I'm done with this. I'm done being treated like worthless shit. Like nothing. Like an "it" & not a person. Those in my life might not change, but I can change those who are a part of my life. I want to break away from this life. It's scary. A change. A leap of faith. But what is there to catch me at the bottom? Myself like always? Well I have to brush away my fear & just do. Because things can't progress without change, I have to change them. Nothing in my life is going to change without changes in myself.

I'm not your possession.
I'm in no one's control. I belong to no one but myself. Because you do not own me, you have no right to treat me like I'm disposable. Because I'm not. & although I belong to no one, those who believe I'm just a tax deductible object can still lose me. But it is truly their loss, because I can obviously get by on my own. It isn't favorable, but it can be done.

My conscious is vicious.
It truly is. My mind is my worse enemy. The biggest obstacle in my way is myself. I am holding myself back. With any sort of time, I begin the process of torture. This is something I must change. But how?

I am not begging for forgiveness.
Not anymore. & you know what? I don;t fucking want a sorry from anyone anymore. I'm not sorry about anything I've done. I can't change it, so I shouldn't be living in it still. Yes, I've mutilated my body. But I don't anymore. Yes, I'm the one who let myself be a floor. But I'm stronger now. So I say I'm sorry, & I move on. To a better life. A better place.

I've been walking on pins & needles all my life. & I might be scared, but wounds do heal.

Farewell all.

It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything.

This is your life, & it doesn't get any better than this.

Innocence is a valuable thing. However, it is something I don't ever remember having. I was never a child. Not really. Between my general lack of friends, & the actions of my parents have always lacked maturity. Starting at an age I can't even identify, I began taking care of myself. I always ate cold food before elementary school because I couldn't reach or use the microwave. I have taken care of basically all of my needs for a long time including making doctor appointments & filling out paper work. Besides taking care of myself, I've had to be the parent of just not myself, but of my mother. I've had to take care of my drunk mother more than a few times & that's only the bad days. Every morning since I can remember I've had to prepare my mother & I & then wake her up. & trust me, that lady is no morning person, & my body could show you that.

Yeah, my parents have no maturity at all & they displayed it the entire vacation. My father is disgusting. He spits, & often at me. & he acts like a child. He is much like my mother though. No she doesn't spit, but it doesn't mean she's not a child herself.

She decided to open the curtain I was behind while I was changing. I absolutely hate being naked. No one had seen me naked before. & I didn't want to change that. But that decision left my control when she revealed my body & proceeded to bash it with negative comments. I already hate my body. It is the most unfortunate body imaginable. & she just pointed out & confirmed things I already know. How the hell am I supposed to change my opinion about myself when I've heard absolutely nothing to contradict it. I've been called anything but hideous by one person. Only one. & one voice doesn't drown out the numerous swimming around in my mind.

Another immature thing my mother did was absolutely disgustingly childish. So, you know that thing where a person points at something on your shirt & then lightly brushes your chin? Well she didn't quiet pull a bruce campbell, but she slapped me in the face. Hard.

I fucking hate my life.
I never want to return to it when I get a chance to leave.
I want to live on my own or surrounded by people who love me.
& if I ever have children, I fucking swear they'll be more mature than my parents.
Who will never be alone with them.

Farewell all.

There is an Idea of Me.

There is an idea of a me; some kind of abstraction. But there is no real me: only an entity, something illusory. And though I can hide my cold gaze, and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable... I simply am not there.

I used to feel this way, exactly. Like a part of me was missing. Not hidden, not overshadowed, but not there at all. I feel like a person starts as a shell, everyone does. As this empty body. Yes, there is blood & organs within, but besides the biology, there is nothing there. & as one grows, they are filled. There are certain people & events that a person has that slowly fill up that void. & I missed some of this. No, not some. I missed a whole chunk of it. A deprivation of human needs that leads an empty shell to develop into a child & then into a functioning adult. But my void was left gaping.

I had settled for this. I believed that I deserved to feel this full emptiness. I didn't really live. Or feel. Or interact. Instead, I was barely there. No one really knew me. I walked through nineteen years being absolutely nothing to anyone. No one truly unconditionally cared about me. Let alone love me. I found myself living a life no one wanted, but that I had.

But no one knew that I was a void. Everyone believed I was a happy kid. Well, still am. Yeah, I have a few problems, but NOTHING serious. Just your everyday kid. They never knew me. They don't know me. The person they speak to, the one they embrace, is a well constructed contraption that has been in development for a lifetime.

Although I had settled with this way of life, I look at how I am today, & I don't feel empty. I honestly didn't think that space could, let alone would, be filled. That I would be a person. I know that I am still missing many pieces, but I now see that it's never to late to have them filled. There isn't a deadline. Or a person that must fill it.

I know I will never find that unconditional or true love. I can never have that true approval, or pride that I crave. But I don't have to believe it's because I'm not worthy.

I might know there are people in my life, but I still feel so lonely. I feel like that void within me feeds. It's always hungry. I can keep it at bay when I feel joy. But when alone, it absorbs itself in my thoughts. Leaving me dwelling in the bleak.
I need to change these things.

Broken Down in Bars & the Cold Tile Bathroom Floors Inside Them.

I knew this vacation would be as bad, or probably worse, as every vacation I've endured in the past. & I've prepared myself as well as I can, but you never realize what it's going to be really like until you're in the muck of it. & I've only run drills of hiding under desks in preparation for this bomb, but we all know that will never protect us from a nuclear attack.

& a nuclear attack it was. My parents are like poison. An air born toxin. Yes, they're just words & a but of pain, but those words don't just linger in the air. They seep in & live within me for years. Attack my defense system & leave me worn & deprived. I;m afraid that, like nuclear attacks, the next generation will still feel it's after math. For a child raised in violence & pain, knows nothing more.

So here I am. On a seven day vacation with my parents. Small room. Close corridors. No time spent apart. I should be tanner than I am, because I took a plane ride to hell, & I fear I might not make the flight back. Because Lord knows, I'm heading there when I finally leave this life.

Well, it could be worse than it is. I mean, I can deal with this, but I just don't want to. I feel like I've been building a new life & I'm discovering a few cracks, that can grow in secret until there's no way to repair. Did I build it on a weak foundation? Or is the land just not suitable for development, in the end the walls will cave in?

I don't know what's really going on. I feel like I'm watching my life from the side lines. Seeing the changes & progress but the film has been edited for content. Some parts aren't shown to me, which leaves me questioning the development. Things are changing within me, & sometimes I wonder if it is really for the best. My mother, & now father, continually say that I am much moodier & just plain mean, & I'm starting to fear they're right. I know what I do & don't deserve now, & I'm getting a bit fed up on the way I'm treated. Little things are starting to hurt me. But I just can't do anything about it. I'd rather deal with it then backtrack the progress I've made. Because I can't restart again. I can't go back to the way things were. But should I really settle with this? It's more than I've ever had, but I'm still hurt. I know the answer to these questions. I know I've started stating demands. Unfairly. From myself & others. & I can't expect them. I never get anything I want, let alone need.

Whine whine. I feel so childish complaining like this. I just don't know where else to do it. Thankfully, there is no one out there listening.

So let's get to the real reason for this post & stop using various metaphors to describe how I'm feeling. I should just state crap, but noo. The post wasn't just randomly titled, & I need to share this story with someone, or something in this case. So gather around:

I wasn't feeling well all day yesterday. I learned a long time ago not to complain about feeling poorly, so I had not told my parents. Mid day, I did tell my mother I wasn't feeling well just because... yeah there really isn't a reason. Her response was the classic pinch & twist. One of her favorites. So I didn't complain anymore. I haven't been eating much this trip, partially because I don't want to & the other part because my parents don't want me to. They purposely don't wake me up so I have no time to eat breakfast. & when they get snacks, I am not allowed to eat them. So most of these days I won't eat lunch, or much, & will have dinner. Also, we got these stupid drink cups which cost a pocket full of money for refills of soda. But only soda. So I've been hyped up on caffeine all vacation.

Well, yesterday was actually pretty warm outside & we did about 5 hours of persistent walking. I started feeling poor & shaky mid day & the feeling never subsided. We ended up going to the House of Blues for dinner & I ordered a salad. Before the food got there though, I went to the bath room where I collapsed. Luckily I had already gotten into the handicapped stall, so no one saw. I laid there for a while just crying because I'm just so upset. When I finally got enough energy to, I went back to the table to my parents complaints about how long I took. I don't even know why they care. It was really scary & I didn't know what to do. I have no one to talk to. Ahh. What to do? I don't know if I will tell Shelly, she might just have to read it here if she still reads these things.

I ate my dinner & came back to the room & slept hard for a while. I woke up & stayed up until 3. My parents went to the park without me today, so I have a day to recharge. But I feel so incredibly lonely. But I have no one to talk to, trust me I've tried.

Oh well, the vacation is almost over. So I'll be away from this soon enough.

Farewell.

Poisoned Hearts Will Never Change.

I can't sleep. So I'm going to let it all out here. This is like a journal, & I don't read these (Yeah, so I'm sure there are a ton of mistakes. Sorry.) But I know Shelly reads these, & I'm not sure if she will after last time. & the "you" out there is no one. So I'm just going to vent, because "you" are all I have right now. I really need someone, & you're all I got. Congrats. My mind is swimming in thoughts & emotions. Sadly, somehow more so than normal. Which is really saying something.

Man. My posts seriously go from positive to negative to super positive to... this. Wow. Today was no good. The first few hours were great, well okay. Shelly & I were both drained from last night. But she much more so than I. Actually, for those first few hours I felt really good. It was good. But I sure do know how to ruin everything. No wonder I'm such a repellant. It's a gift. Or a curse. Anyways, Shelly was a bit distant & I thought we grew closer with last night's step. But after having a bit of time pass, I feel like something might have been lost between us. I don't know. I always fear this. & need a disgusting amount of reassurance. But I can't keep asking for it. I just don't have good things, & am afraid to lose them. But I;m hoping she was just tired. & not tired of me. (this is progress.) Even though we were tired & drained, it was still a really good morning, for me at least.

But then we got into the car. I knew that the night before had been super heavy but it was honestly NOT my intention. I had been avoiding these topics. But somehow it came up in the car. I don't know how. Maybe I'm being stupid in saying that, it wouldn't be the first time. I just care so much for Shelly, & I know my actions don't show it. So I fell like... i lose some of it. Ahh.

Of course, I cried. I always cry now. I used to never cry & now I do allllllll the time. So much. I feel like I have all this pain that I've internalized over the years. Just stuffed it down with in me & tied a knot around it. But I've been cutting the ties of my past & trying to let them go, but I didn't realize that the ties were connected to all of these emotions. So I just let them out all of the time. I realize I didn't deserve all I've receive which has weakened me. Made me fragile, & I was already worn thin. So I just chip really easily. But when will I break?

When Shelly left...



After hitting my head hard, causing a headache. (Yeah.) I got into my house to discover I had left my keys & license at school. I lost it. I was going to be stuck at home. I knew no one wanted to spend time with me, so I had no escape. I still have no escape. My mother came home right when I had discovered this. I had started crying in anticipation... & I sure found out how she felt about my mistake. Previously, I had told her that I was going to be gone that night, because I thought I would be, but I had to also tell her that. Not a good time. I just laid in my bed wishing this could be all over. But I have to wake up eventually right?

Right. Sleep isn't a real escape. Of course, I got into trouble for sleeping. But my mom got upset in front of the "friday night crowd" so my dad was nice to me for the rest of the night. But he does go to bed early.

So in the end, I feel pretty alone... & I don't want to have to deal with these next few days. I know I can do it on my own. But I'm kind of sick of it. I don't know. My loneliness is infinite. I am going on a vacation tomorrow, with my parents. Joy. But we aren't leaving until later in the day so I don;t want to be home. Of course I can't fucking drive. & I have no one. I really have only two friends other than Shelly. One of them is mad at me. & I don't really care at this point. I kind of deserve it, but I can't deal with it right now. & she wouldn't have spent time with me anyways. & my other friend won't hang out because it is supposed to rain tomorrow. Am I that bad? That you can't think of a better fucking excuse. I did want to see her, not just because I am stuck here at home. I normally see a lot of her, & I barely saw her this break. But I did try. I guess she's got better things to do. I just wish her excuse wasn't the rain. I'd rather hear she just doesn't want to. The blow's still a blow, but you don't feel like one of your best friends thinks you're an idiot.

Oh, & tonight was my ex-roommate's birthday party. I haven't let anyone know, because I know I shouldn't, but I kind of miss her. She wasn't the nicest of people, but she was there every day of my life. & it stings that I lost her..So now she hates me. & has herded some of our mutual friends in her direction, & is celebrating with them. & talking about me. & I made this change to better my life. But somehow, she's celebrating and having fun. & has all of these friends who really like her. & here I am. One friend less, alone at home, hurt & crying. How did this happen?

I don't want to deal with this anymore.

Alive With the Glory of Love.

Wow. Talk about big steps. Progress at its finest.
Shelly & I just made my break wonderful. I just threw out the main contents of my box with her. We held hands & threw out two razors in the rain. (Sorry, no skipping was involved.)
I think I'm kicking the SheBitch's ass!

Ah, I feel liberated & free. & So thankful for my Shelly. The world would be dim without her.

Good Things Come to Those Who Wait.

That's right all, a happy post. Didn't see this one coming on the same day as the previous post, but oh how things pan out. That's right, two posts in one day. I know, I spoil you. (I say you like there is anyone out there. Oh no, talkin' to myself again)

So things really seemed to pan out. There are still a few bumps, but I'm far from the line of unhappiness.

I am with Shelly. She is here until friday for a taste of my college. I'm excited to have a companion during my day, for I spend 99-100% of it in solitary. I can't wait until tomorrow starts. A good day. I can tell already. I guess they're right, there is always a joy once a storm breaks. However, this time I do not need to look at the wreckage laying at my feet. Because this storm seemed to be just a rain cloud passing through.

Although Shelly's here with me, I feel like something's wrong. Something's off. I have an uneasy feeling that it is due to this blog & my post regarding self mutilation. I just look at it as part of my past. I can't shed it, but I don't need to dwell in it either. For that was what I would do before. But I am trying to let things go & grow from them. I can't change the past, I must learn from it. It feels so relieving to tell of my past crimes. Because they no longer linger in my mind where they dwell in the darkness, growing so once they reveal themselves in the light, they're too strong & wild to tame.

But for Shelly, these aren't a part of the old, they're suddenly in the new, & I can see where they spark fear that could easily catch fire to everything we've worked for. But we can't pretend it isn't there anymore. I know things will be okay, but I always have worry. Things are too good, & I fear they won't last. I know I don't deserve an unhappiness I foretell, but it doesn't mean I won't be dealt it. Because trust me, I know, life is never fair. But Ill swim in this joy, and these new and wonderful feelings, for as long as I can.

Farewell all. Know that things can be better. That if you're at a low (which I wasn't even at) then you can only go up, right?

Honey, Things Got Reeal Ugly.

After yesterday's post, today is a day I would have used the mutilation. Just an all around crap of a day. I would have pulled out my box & had my way with it. I'm glad I don't do that anymore. I know that I'm happier this way. But I can't deny I'm still in close possession of my box of wonderment. But there's some amount of comfort that lies in the knowledge a safety net's in place. That there's always that other option in the other ones fall through. You never really imagine having to use your seat cushion as a floating device while you soar through the sky, but it's a comfort to know it's beneath you. & it's a comfort to know I sit above my box daily. One day I hope I can rid of the box completely. I hope that day comes soon.

I guess I'm going to use this as a place to vent. So here we go:
I had a test today. But I didn't know about it until yesterday. So I had much cramming to do. Of course I decided to constantly procrastinate instead, & in the end I screwed myself over. A real number 12. I watch Lost with a friend every tuesday night, & last night was not an exception. Except she wouldn't leave. I felt bad about asking her to leave, so I never did. She ended up staying until a little after 1:15. Yeah, in the am. So I had to pretty much start studying then. While she was there I wrote a paper, but still didn't study.

I didn't get to sleep until 4:45 (again sadly in the am) & had to wake up at 8. Between classes I tried to study by I just couldn't concentrate. I ended up slipping & flailing myself into a wall mid morning, making me feel like a complete idiot for the rest of the day.

I went to lunch with a friend. I normally go to lunch with her on mondays but we ate together today. It is normally okay, she talks about her weekend while I talk. However, she seems sort of upset with me the whole time. Once her friends arrived (who I didn't know were coming & DO NOT like me) I was completely left out of the conversation. The whole time they were speaking about something I didn't know about. Some plans they had made. I even asked once what they were talking about but was ignored.

After that delightful lunch, I went to take my test. & failed. Great.

As I walked back to my dorm, dead tired, my Mother gives me a call. Wonderful. She had much to say. I was still on the phone with her when I got to my room & found that one of my frogs had died. At that I lost it a bit.

Now I have an essay I need to finish.

However, Shelly is coming to visit me tonight! So I know in a few hours I will be filled with joy. Just give it some time.

Farewell.