I knew this vacation would be as bad, or probably worse, as every vacation I've endured in the past. & I've prepared myself as well as I can, but you never realize what it's going to be really like until you're in the muck of it. & I've only run drills of hiding under desks in preparation for this bomb, but we all know that will never protect us from a nuclear attack.
& a nuclear attack it was. My parents are like poison. An air born toxin. Yes, they're just words & a but of pain, but those words don't just linger in the air. They seep in & live within me for years. Attack my defense system & leave me worn & deprived. I;m afraid that, like nuclear attacks, the next generation will still feel it's after math. For a child raised in violence & pain, knows nothing more.
So here I am. On a seven day vacation with my parents. Small room. Close corridors. No time spent apart. I should be tanner than I am, because I took a plane ride to hell, & I fear I might not make the flight back. Because Lord knows, I'm heading there when I finally leave this life.
Well, it could be worse than it is. I mean, I can deal with this, but I just don't want to. I feel like I've been building a new life & I'm discovering a few cracks, that can grow in secret until there's no way to repair. Did I build it on a weak foundation? Or is the land just not suitable for development, in the end the walls will cave in?
I don't know what's really going on. I feel like I'm watching my life from the side lines. Seeing the changes & progress but the film has been edited for content. Some parts aren't shown to me, which leaves me questioning the development. Things are changing within me, & sometimes I wonder if it is really for the best. My mother, & now father, continually say that I am much moodier & just plain mean, & I'm starting to fear they're right. I know what I do & don't deserve now, & I'm getting a bit fed up on the way I'm treated. Little things are starting to hurt me. But I just can't do anything about it. I'd rather deal with it then backtrack the progress I've made. Because I can't restart again. I can't go back to the way things were. But should I really settle with this? It's more than I've ever had, but I'm still hurt. I know the answer to these questions. I know I've started stating demands. Unfairly. From myself & others. & I can't expect them. I never get anything I want, let alone need.
Whine whine. I feel so childish complaining like this. I just don't know where else to do it. Thankfully, there is no one out there listening.
So let's get to the real reason for this post & stop using various metaphors to describe how I'm feeling. I should just state crap, but noo. The post wasn't just randomly titled, & I need to share this story with someone, or something in this case. So gather around:
I wasn't feeling well all day yesterday. I learned a long time ago not to complain about feeling poorly, so I had not told my parents. Mid day, I did tell my mother I wasn't feeling well just because... yeah there really isn't a reason. Her response was the classic pinch & twist. One of her favorites. So I didn't complain anymore. I haven't been eating much this trip, partially because I don't want to & the other part because my parents don't want me to. They purposely don't wake me up so I have no time to eat breakfast. & when they get snacks, I am not allowed to eat them. So most of these days I won't eat lunch, or much, & will have dinner. Also, we got these stupid drink cups which cost a pocket full of money for refills of soda. But only soda. So I've been hyped up on caffeine all vacation.
Well, yesterday was actually pretty warm outside & we did about 5 hours of persistent walking. I started feeling poor & shaky mid day & the feeling never subsided. We ended up going to the House of Blues for dinner & I ordered a salad. Before the food got there though, I went to the bath room where I collapsed. Luckily I had already gotten into the handicapped stall, so no one saw. I laid there for a while just crying because I'm just so upset. When I finally got enough energy to, I went back to the table to my parents complaints about how long I took. I don't even know why they care. It was really scary & I didn't know what to do. I have no one to talk to. Ahh. What to do? I don't know if I will tell Shelly, she might just have to read it here if she still reads these things.
I ate my dinner & came back to the room & slept hard for a while. I woke up & stayed up until 3. My parents went to the park without me today, so I have a day to recharge. But I feel so incredibly lonely. But I have no one to talk to, trust me I've tried.
Oh well, the vacation is almost over. So I'll be away from this soon enough.
Farewell.
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