I can't sleep. So I'm going to let it all out here. This is like a journal, & I don't read these (Yeah, so I'm sure there are a ton of mistakes. Sorry.) But I know Shelly reads these, & I'm not sure if she will after last time. & the "you" out there is no one. So I'm just going to vent, because "you" are all I have right now. I really need someone, & you're all I got. Congrats. My mind is swimming in thoughts & emotions. Sadly, somehow more so than normal. Which is really saying something.
Man. My posts seriously go from positive to negative to super positive to... this. Wow. Today was no good. The first few hours were great, well okay. Shelly & I were both drained from last night. But she much more so than I. Actually, for those first few hours I felt really good. It was good. But I sure do know how to ruin everything. No wonder I'm such a repellant. It's a gift. Or a curse. Anyways, Shelly was a bit distant & I thought we grew closer with last night's step. But after having a bit of time pass, I feel like something might have been lost between us. I don't know. I always fear this. & need a disgusting amount of reassurance. But I can't keep asking for it. I just don't have good things, & am afraid to lose them. But I;m hoping she was just tired. & not tired of me. (this is progress.) Even though we were tired & drained, it was still a really good morning, for me at least.
But then we got into the car. I knew that the night before had been super heavy but it was honestly NOT my intention. I had been avoiding these topics. But somehow it came up in the car. I don't know how. Maybe I'm being stupid in saying that, it wouldn't be the first time. I just care so much for Shelly, & I know my actions don't show it. So I fell like... i lose some of it. Ahh.
Of course, I cried. I always cry now. I used to never cry & now I do allllllll the time. So much. I feel like I have all this pain that I've internalized over the years. Just stuffed it down with in me & tied a knot around it. But I've been cutting the ties of my past & trying to let them go, but I didn't realize that the ties were connected to all of these emotions. So I just let them out all of the time. I realize I didn't deserve all I've receive which has weakened me. Made me fragile, & I was already worn thin. So I just chip really easily. But when will I break?
When Shelly left...
After hitting my head hard, causing a headache. (Yeah.) I got into my house to discover I had left my keys & license at school. I lost it. I was going to be stuck at home. I knew no one wanted to spend time with me, so I had no escape. I still have no escape. My mother came home right when I had discovered this. I had started crying in anticipation... & I sure found out how she felt about my mistake. Previously, I had told her that I was going to be gone that night, because I thought I would be, but I had to also tell her that. Not a good time. I just laid in my bed wishing this could be all over. But I have to wake up eventually right?
Right. Sleep isn't a real escape. Of course, I got into trouble for sleeping. But my mom got upset in front of the "friday night crowd" so my dad was nice to me for the rest of the night. But he does go to bed early.
So in the end, I feel pretty alone... & I don't want to have to deal with these next few days. I know I can do it on my own. But I'm kind of sick of it. I don't know. My loneliness is infinite. I am going on a vacation tomorrow, with my parents. Joy. But we aren't leaving until later in the day so I don;t want to be home. Of course I can't fucking drive. & I have no one. I really have only two friends other than Shelly. One of them is mad at me. & I don't really care at this point. I kind of deserve it, but I can't deal with it right now. & she wouldn't have spent time with me anyways. & my other friend won't hang out because it is supposed to rain tomorrow. Am I that bad? That you can't think of a better fucking excuse. I did want to see her, not just because I am stuck here at home. I normally see a lot of her, & I barely saw her this break. But I did try. I guess she's got better things to do. I just wish her excuse wasn't the rain. I'd rather hear she just doesn't want to. The blow's still a blow, but you don't feel like one of your best friends thinks you're an idiot.
Oh, & tonight was my ex-roommate's birthday party. I haven't let anyone know, because I know I shouldn't, but I kind of miss her. She wasn't the nicest of people, but she was there every day of my life. & it stings that I lost her..So now she hates me. & has herded some of our mutual friends in her direction, & is celebrating with them. & talking about me. & I made this change to better my life. But somehow, she's celebrating and having fun. & has all of these friends who really like her. & here I am. One friend less, alone at home, hurt & crying. How did this happen?
I don't want to deal with this anymore.
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