1-09 Daisy.m4a
Oh man. Talk about a crap of a day. Horrible. Almost completely terrible.
First I overslept. Fuck it, I woke up & decided to go back to sleep. So I missed my first class, & I have a test next week. But I don't even care at this point. & I feel stupid for complaining about something so small.
So after I did pull my fat ass out of bed & got to my class, I couldn't concentrate. THis is the first time in a long time that this has happened. & it's scary, for it is the first sign on the road to hell.
But the real fun begins after classes were over. I went to get lunch & decided to eat for a family of five. I was completely disgusted with myself. I don't even know how to describe it. But let's just say it wasn't fun. I really wanted to do something about it, because I caught a glimpse of myself & almost didn't need to put a hand down my throat. But I made a promise. & I will honor it.
But I decided to donate some blood. I'm honestly not sure why. I couldn't tell you. Lately I've been doing things that are completely done without thought. Which is against everything I am. Like getting my ears pierced, & the things I did on vacation. Well this donation is another to add to the list. I had never donated blood before, because I have been boarder line anemic since I bled so much for six years, I hate needles, & when I got my blood drawn, I almost passed out. But still, I went for it. When the blood started flowing, I instantly started feeling queazy. & not far after, I began to lose consciousness. The lady made me lay down & sniff some awful smelling things. After I felt like I could walk & my blood was taken, I left, but still feeling a bit shaky & very nauseous.
I thought I might pass out, so I decided I would call someone while I walked back to my dorm. I realized then that I have fucking no one. No one but my mother. Great. So who did I call? Nope, sadly not the ghost busters, but my mother. She made me feel thousands of times worse. Especially about myself, since I was already at a low. How did I end up here where I have no one but the only person who probably hates me more than I hate myself? How? Fuck it, if I know.
So as we've discussed, I already had a bad experience with food for the day & was totally not planning on eating for a while, but you have to upon giving blood. So I ate a snack & then dinner. I'm sure I will sprout a tail one of these days.
After this fiasco, I decided to watch this really great, but horribly sad, documentary. It was so upsetting. & made me feel even worse. Why was I having such a "terrible day" in a "terrible life" when other people truly know what hell is? Shed tears that deserve to be shed. I really do disgust myself sometimes.
Well, a while later a friend came over to watch LOST with me. It is normally fun, the only time during the week that I actually spend with anyone more than a lunch. But this time was too much. I had to put my mask really on tonight. I was really unhappy & drained already, but she never left! She didn't leave until 1 am! Too much! I mean, some of it was fun. We watched some videos, & had some laughs, but in general I felt like crap. & hiding it for hours.
Although lost was on, I didn't get to really watch it because I was too busy texting one of my best friends. She had gotten in a really bad fight with Shelly regarding not answering texts & calls. When she was telling me about what hd happened, I told her I completely understand why she is upset. She deserves to be angry, but she was acting irrational in the idea that she should end a close friendship over it. Well, evidently, she can end two.
Here is a transcript of our texts: She'll O & I'm J:
O: Hello?
J: Ahh! sorry I was getting dinner!
O: You haven't answered any on my calls since spring break. Are you trying to make a point?
J: It's so not on purpose!
O: Seems like too much of a coincidence to be a coincidence.
J: How is it a coincidence?!
O: I think I've called you five times in the past three days. Seriously.. you just happened to miss all of them?
J: yes! I was napping yesterday with my phone on silent (no it wasn't but I wasn't going to answer it when I'm sleeping.) & then was getting dinner the one time today. I called you back yesterday when I woke up.
J: I'm sorry, but I'm not "trying to prove a point"
O: Right so out of the five times I called you only bothered to call me back once.
J: it was after all your calls yesterday.
O: I don't know anymore. Obviously you are on Shelly's side & it's annoying.
J: Why does that even matter?
O: Because I feel like you are now testing our friendship. I can feel your disapproval. & now I know that you would choose her over me.
J: I'm not choosing sides! I'm friends with both of you. & I'm not testing our friendship! It wasn't on purpose.
O: Well you said some shit last time we saw each other that makes me think otherwise.
J: Well I think you overreacted, but I thought we were still friends.
O: Whatever. I don't want to get in a fight. Let's just drop it.
(Ofcourse I send my text before reading this one.)
J: I'm sorry I offended you but I thought I was able to speak my mind in this friendship.
(why can't I just fucking listen?!?!?!)
O: ...well apparently you only know how to defend Shelly.
J: I'm defending myself now aren't I? I told you I totally understand why you're upset. Completely. But it wasn't fair for you to end a friendship.
J: I'm down with not fighting & I'm sorry I missed your calls.
O: Too bad cause you just pissed me off.
(but none of this is new?!)
J: how? Why? I'm sorry!
O: Whatever. Fuck this. You can go marry Shelly & raise orphans together.
(I don't know what that even means.)
J: What? O! I'm sorry! It really wasn't on purpose!
J: O? Please...
O: Honestly who is your best friend?
J: Why does that even matter? & Shelly, cause she's done a whole lot for me this school year. But you are one of my best friends. My closest friends. One of my only great friends.
(I think that sounds really nice...?)
O: yea that makes me feel all better. Thanks. Unfortunately I don't really care at this point.
J: What? O! Why?
J: are you not talking to me anymore?
O: what do you want to hear?
J: I don't know. But I don't want to lose one of my closest friends over a nap.
O: It feels really pathetic to call you a close friend when we aren't even close anymore.
J: what do you mean? I talk to you alot.. we can't be as close as we were when we live 5 hours apart.
O: Are you kidding me? That's the lamest excuse ever. Why do you think I call you?
J: I know. I was seriously not doing it on purpose.
O: Okay so? & since we're speaking our minds today, I think you are a bitch for what you did to your old roommate. & saying you wouldn't change what you did... wow thats really messed up.
(glad she got that off her chest.)
J: sorry... are we not friends anymore?
J: could we talk about this?
O: I'm busy right now.
J: okay.. later?
O: Not tonight.
J: Okay.... I am sorry.
O: Seriously I have to write a paper. Stop texting me.
Fuccckkk! What do I do?!?! I don't know! I don't know where I went wrong?
So on top of this, I have no one to talk to. I know I have Shelly, but she is studying for a test right now. I know I'm not going to be able to sleep. I know that I won't be okay tomorrow. I don't know.
Another thing happened. So... I am hesitant about putting it here. But I have to. Shelly, read this knowing how fucked I am right now. Okay?
So I decided a while ago, at Shelly's request, not to put too much into things. Well I failed, once again. I had offered to drive down to where she goes to school, pick her up, & then surprise her parents with a visit. She had initially said no, but then changed to maybe. & then when we talked it seemed like a real close yes. So I began to look forward to it. I had told her that I wouldn't have to see her more than the car ride there. After today, I began to anticipate that great two hours, because hell, I need them. & I was hoping that she would take some time to actually spend some time with me. But I knew that was NOT a sealed deal. But I can't help but look forward. & I always fucking get hurt. So I'm already having a hell of a day when she tells me she can't come. Fuck. It hit me like a ton of bricks. But It's 100% my fault, as always. But I really fucking need it. What to do now.
Not only do I now have to end my horrible week at home with my mother. & not a shred of good. Nothing. No fucking light at the end of this tunnel. But Shelly has another test, & (it's totally okay! I mean that!) but she cuts out the talks those days. But of course it has to be during my bad day. Ugh. But I can't ask that from her. She does too much already. I actually realllllyyy fucking the myself right now because I needed to talk to her so badly that I hinted that I needed her. But luckily she brushed it off & I didn't distract her. But I feel bad, because I fear she might worry. Hopefully not.
Yeah, it's only tuesday at 2:45am. Fuck I'm screwed.
Why do I have nothing good to look forward to? How did I end up here? So fucking incredibly indisputably lonely. Within the span of a month lost two friends. I miss my old roommate daily, especially today when my friend kept on talking about her. & I already miss O.
Ugh I really don't want to deal with this. I just want to fucking sleep & never wake up.
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