Necktie... Neckturn... Nickel... It's an "N" word, it's definitely an "N" word!

Yep it is. The word is nuisance. Because that is what my appearance is to me.

Body issues. They are something that haunts every female, but hits some of us harder. Beats us with a bat. But you know what? Some of us deserve it though. Need to be put into their place, because let’s admit it, some of us, particularly me, need to get that punishment for being so unluckily fucking ugly. Because lord knows I am.

That’s right, I was beaten as a child with an ugly stick & the resulting scars leave me with no confidence & disgust for my body. Everything about it is terrible. I don’t think I have any redeeming qualities, except maybe my eyes & those are so tiny.

I know I know. There are all those girls who are beautiful & thin who complain about there bodies. & in my opinion, so that someone could say “no! you’re so pretty! You’re so thin!” But I’m not one of those people. Especially since I rarely ever get the “you’re pretty! You’re not fat!” response. & way too often have I been called fat & ugly. Well at lease they’re not lying to me.

I really do hate my body. & I have a right to. It is very unfortunate. I’m not one of those 120 pound girls who think they are huge. No, I’m one of those unimaginable weight girl who is riddled with stretch marks, flabby fat, & a skin disease that could make someone looking at my naked self (which I don’t do) lose their supper.
I am not someone who you can say “no,, no! You’re thin!” because I really am not. I am disgusting. I wish I had the strength to do something more about it. But I am not.

Besides my weight, I am an unattractive person. Really, I am. Only one person has called me pretty & she says she thinks everyone is attractive in some way. So really, no one has. Which I’m not digging for. I don’t want to be lied to. But I still wish people wouldn’t call me ugly. I get it enough from myself.

As a result of this body, I don’t look in the mirror. I don’t enjoy shopping. I fear scales. I hate photos. I hate myself.

You know, I see these people who are confident, & they of course they have their issues, but they are comfortable. I don’t want to be a cocky bitch. I just want to be able to talk to someone without constantly thinking about how horrible I must appear. I want to be able to see myself & not get sick to my stomach. It’s not that I want to love myself, I just don’t want to hate me. But I have absolutely no fucking idea how to go about this.