Positive post is needed I believe. I need to stop complaining about all that has happened. Need to stop dwelling in it, because it is obviously not getting me anywhere. So, instead, I am going to try to focus & list all the positive things. All the growth. All the good. Because I need to show myself they are there. They are finally in my life. Yeah, they are all new, but I need to take my focus on what I know, the crap, & instead shin the light on the good. The progress.
What sparked this? Well of course, no other than my Shelly. She pointed some things out to me in a conversation we had today. Ultimately this post is for me. Because it is something I need to realize & admit. But it is also for you, Shelly. Because I hope it brings a smile to your face.
Hmm, where to begin. Well let's start with the physicalness. I've been lying to myself for a long time. I always told myself that it was okay what I looked like, that other's didn't matter, because I need to please no one. That I can be happy with what I look like, & just be upset that other's aren't. I really want to believe that. I tell myself that is how I feel. But I still can't bare my reflection. It is a lie for me to not accept the truth that I am unattractive. Well, I've been digging at things, & somehow uprooted this philosophy, leaving me seeing my numerous flaws & also discovering a hate for myself & my appearance. But instead of dwelling on the things I hate, I need to focus on what I do like.
I am going t list the things I hate first. (this might seem counter productive, but I think that It will be good to look back & see that I was wrong, or see that I am being too picky. Or maybe it is a mistake. But I am going to make it anyways.) Here we go, from head to toe:
1. How my hair has this place where it will not curl
2. How many wrinkles I have on my face
3. How big my forehead is
4. How round my face is
5. How small my eyes are
6. My neck. Its size & the display of my disease.
7. My stretch marks on my shoulder. It just shows HOW fat I am.
8. My flabby upper arms
9. The stretch marks on my inner elbows.
10. My FAT fingers.
11. HOW FUCKING MUCH my skin is ruined on my torso.
12. My stomach. It is absolutely disgusting.
13. Mt fucking love handles.
14. My flabby inner thighs.
So that is all that I hate. Some not even hate, just dislike. Hopefully my idea about them will change. With time. With time. I guess...
Things I like. I can't say I love anything. But I will let myself like them. Because there is nothing good from stopping that. I always think it is wrong to like yourself, because it makes you full of yourself. But I'm sure that feels a hell of a lot better than this. So here we go again:
1. I like that my hair is curly. It gives me personality & I wouldn't change it for anything else.
2. I like the color of my eyes. I do think they are pretty, & I wouldn't change them. If I were to see them on someone else, I would compliment them. So I will have to compliment myself.
3. I do like my odd single dimple. Haha. I don't know where the other one went.
4. I like my high cheek bones. They make my smiles more... with my whole face? I don't know..
5. So I like my chin face forward, but I think I have one of the ugliest profiles EVER. But I do not mind my chin.
6. I don't mind my nose. I don't like it, but I don't care about it. I've grown to be content with it.
7. I guess I like my breasts? I don't know. That sounds so weird. I definitely wouldn't like attention to them, (which I have gotten like once in my life) I feel like absolutely NO ONE notices me, & would never notice them. For no guy has ever noticed me, sadly. But I like them. They are big, & fun to joke about.
8. I like my fingernails. I really do. They are thin, but Man, I have seen some pretty terrible fingernails.
9. I guess I like my muscular legs, but they make me feel butch. I always feel butch though.
10. I also like my toes. I don't know why, but there isn't any feet that I like more than mine. I think they are perfect (in my eyes.) Yeah they're wide & huge, but I don't really mind. Yeah, they are in terrible condition, but I could fix that if I cared at all.
11. Forgot my smile when I was at my face. I do like my smile. A lot actually.
So over all, there are more things I dislike, but that will change in time hopefully. I think that 10 things is a lot.
So let's move on, shell we? How about... what I like about myself that isn't physical. I am not going to make a list about what I don't like here since no one is perfect & I should believe I should be an exception to this rule. Yeah... let's kick it:
1. I think I am a caring person. I am very aware of others & care about them.
2. I try really hard to be nice to people.
3. I like to be me, but I do care what other's think. I won't compromise myself for anyone else, but I won't hurt or disrespect anyone in the process.
4. I am funny. Lol. That isn't funny.
5. I have a quirky personality.
6. I'm not an idiot.
7. I know a lot of random stuff.
8. Can't deny I like good music & movies.
9. I don't (really when it matters) judge people.
10. I'm empathetic.
11. I'm weird.
12. I'm unique.
13. I care about learning how to improve the lives of others.
14. I love animals.
15. People know who I am. Well, in a certain sense.
16. I have mistakes in my past, meaning I have lived.
17. I am willing to work fucking hard to improve myself.
18. I am done settling.
Hmm, that seems like a nicely compiled list, don't you think?
Anything else? I know, things I have. I like to always talk about what I don't have. What I've missed out on. What I've been denied. But I need to acknowledge what I do have. Even if it is new. I need to acknowledge them. I am not going to make comparisons, like I am not living in a war torn area & what not, because we all should be aware of how lucky we are to be where we are in life. But in the sense of our reality. Listy list:
1. I have an amazing best friend, who is always there for me no matter where I drag her. I know that I can depend on her.
2. Besides Shelly, there are other people who are my friends who are wonderful.
3. I'm loved & cared about.
4. I have an opportunity to learn (not in the college sense. but the life sense.)
5. I have people to love.
6. I know that there are people in my life now, that will always be a part of who I am & my life & future.
There are probably more, but I don't know what they are at the moment.
Last list of the night, or should I say morning, is one of all that I want. I know I will have to work to get them, but I am willing to do so. So here we go, one last time:
1. To keep my creepily close friendship/relationship (cause it sure the hell is more than a friendship) with Shelly.
2. I will no longer be a doormat of others.
3. I will no longer be hurt by someone & just brush it off.
4. I will learn to love myself.
5. I will become confident.
6. I will learn how to talk to people, especially the opposite sex.
7. I will stop being so afraid.
8. I will keep the essence of who I am in the process of these changes.
There you go. My life. Where I am. A snapshot of the moment. I think it looks pretty good. Still needs a lot of work. But it actually looks like a person now.
Farewell all. Sleep soundly.
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