The shit has been hitting the fan lately. Seriously, they are small things but a small wound hurts no matter how fine the sand rubbed into it is. I've been trying to make things better work with what I have, but it's hard to make the picture pretty when the pieces don't fit or are growing legs & walking off. I don't know, I guess I'm just fragile lately.
Sometimes I fear that I am bipolar. I feel like my shrink would have probably told me this by now, but she doesn't always seem on top of her game. I think I might just be overreacting, but I can easily go from full of joy to feeling like the weak heart I have is being stepped on.
I like my new room, I really do. I like being alone. Having my space. But there is ALOT of space there for just me & my thoughts. & things would be okay if I ever interacted with anyone. I have only seen two people for 20 minutes & talked to pretty much only my mother all week. Although I'm getting what I asked for, I really don't like myself, or my mind. Or my mother. SO I'm really lonely.
Well one of the people I spent time with is friends with the roommate I just left. I knew she was upset with me, but I just found out HOW much. Which is a great deal. She is not only hating me, but is saying really bad & private things to everyone I know. I just fear things getting out of my control & damage irreparable being done. She's evidently asking people to not spend time with me to keep me alone. It's amazing the power she can have on people.
Plus, the way I get through the bad times (which aren't far & few yet) is by looking forward to the good. I know it's not right how much I put into them. How much time I spend anticipating them & how much planning I put into them, but it's thinking spent in a good way. But there haven't been enough lately for the good to matter.
I've always been a person to never expect anything from anyone & to avoid being put in situations, like close friendships, where a great deal of things are expected from me. I have always been one to be let down, always put second. Ha, normally not even on the list. So I'm used to it. & I've discovered I probably deserve it. & I avoid letting people down, because I always do in the end. But lately I've been dealing out my trust cards generously & should stick to what I know. What made me think I earned a place high on the list?
I knew I wouldn't be better overnight, come on I'm not that stupid. & I knew that it wouldn't be easy. The third think I knew is that I have to do this on my own. But I didn't know I'd feel so very lonely & abandoned.
Farewell, I hope you have a better week than I did.
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