There is an Idea of Me.

There is an idea of a me; some kind of abstraction. But there is no real me: only an entity, something illusory. And though I can hide my cold gaze, and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable... I simply am not there.

I used to feel this way, exactly. Like a part of me was missing. Not hidden, not overshadowed, but not there at all. I feel like a person starts as a shell, everyone does. As this empty body. Yes, there is blood & organs within, but besides the biology, there is nothing there. & as one grows, they are filled. There are certain people & events that a person has that slowly fill up that void. & I missed some of this. No, not some. I missed a whole chunk of it. A deprivation of human needs that leads an empty shell to develop into a child & then into a functioning adult. But my void was left gaping.

I had settled for this. I believed that I deserved to feel this full emptiness. I didn't really live. Or feel. Or interact. Instead, I was barely there. No one really knew me. I walked through nineteen years being absolutely nothing to anyone. No one truly unconditionally cared about me. Let alone love me. I found myself living a life no one wanted, but that I had.

But no one knew that I was a void. Everyone believed I was a happy kid. Well, still am. Yeah, I have a few problems, but NOTHING serious. Just your everyday kid. They never knew me. They don't know me. The person they speak to, the one they embrace, is a well constructed contraption that has been in development for a lifetime.

Although I had settled with this way of life, I look at how I am today, & I don't feel empty. I honestly didn't think that space could, let alone would, be filled. That I would be a person. I know that I am still missing many pieces, but I now see that it's never to late to have them filled. There isn't a deadline. Or a person that must fill it.

I know I will never find that unconditional or true love. I can never have that true approval, or pride that I crave. But I don't have to believe it's because I'm not worthy.

I might know there are people in my life, but I still feel so lonely. I feel like that void within me feeds. It's always hungry. I can keep it at bay when I feel joy. But when alone, it absorbs itself in my thoughts. Leaving me dwelling in the bleak.
I need to change these things.