Heaven

When I die. If there is a heaven & I manage to get in, what I will find there is my plan b.
No changes or anything special.

I'm saddened to know this can't happen in reality, but I like to save the idea that this is waiting for me. I don't know how long I will have to wait.
Maybe a real plan a,
Maybe a short time.

But I can't see there being nothing better after this world, since I've been dealt this hand. I've wanted to fold.& I know no winning cards will be given in the next flop. Makes me wonder why stay in, when I keep on losing everything I have?

Pathetic.

How pathetic is it that I want nothing more than to be held while I cry? Honestly, I think if i was just held with love, I would begin to cry.

How pathetic is it that I have cried myself to sleep more nights in the last two weeks than had nights without soggy pillows & swollen eyes?

How pathetic is it that I bought a pillow that simulates the heart beat, so I can hug it & try to feel like someone who actually cares about me is hugging me? But in reality, I'm laying there alone again.

How pathetic is it that I have spent more time thinking of how to avoid the future than actually planning for it?

Pathetic.

Another Day.

Life passes by so quickly, yet I am stuck where the pendulum doesn't swing.
This is my life, ending one minute at a time.

Hi There.

Okay. So let's face it. No one is reading this crap. So I just so happen to want to vent on my computer. So, hello J, how are you? So basically, I know that Shelly no longer wants to be no part in the troubles in my life so I know she won't be reading these. However, Shelly, if you do decide to read it, know that I am not so nice. These are things that I'm too afraid to tell you these things, or you don't want to know, so proceed with caution.

Welcome back, I have been doing alright. Better than I thought I would be. A while ago I thought I was no longer numb, but as time ellasps, I feel more & more & I'm not so sure if that is a good thing or not. It's getting harder to deal, espcially since I have to do it on my own.

But, I do think I'm in a good meduim. I know, it is not perfect, but damn I need some sort of crutch, some sort of help. Shelly has given up on me, leaving me to myself. I still don't like myself very much. Still don't really care about seeing daylight. Meh, it's nice when I see it, but I don't care so much if I don't. The abuse has stopped. Hard work & no one to share the joy with. Shelly says that I should be proud of things with out here approval. It's not that I want her approval, I know it's good, but I still don't like celebrating on my own. Back to being alone, with no one who gives a damn. Saddest part about that is I have no one because I've been abandoned, not because I haven't shared it. Who knew not sharing it would be less painful.

I've made a few compromises. Fair ones I think. I eat, a lot. When I have to. My mother might not be touching me anymore, but it still hurts like hell to be me. So some things not so healthy might be compromised, but hell. I need something to fucking help me cope. Shelly, it's not because of you, but because I need something. You did the right thing. & so am I.

Fuck.