Hi There.

Okay. So let's face it. No one is reading this crap. So I just so happen to want to vent on my computer. So, hello J, how are you? So basically, I know that Shelly no longer wants to be no part in the troubles in my life so I know she won't be reading these. However, Shelly, if you do decide to read it, know that I am not so nice. These are things that I'm too afraid to tell you these things, or you don't want to know, so proceed with caution.

Welcome back, I have been doing alright. Better than I thought I would be. A while ago I thought I was no longer numb, but as time ellasps, I feel more & more & I'm not so sure if that is a good thing or not. It's getting harder to deal, espcially since I have to do it on my own.

But, I do think I'm in a good meduim. I know, it is not perfect, but damn I need some sort of crutch, some sort of help. Shelly has given up on me, leaving me to myself. I still don't like myself very much. Still don't really care about seeing daylight. Meh, it's nice when I see it, but I don't care so much if I don't. The abuse has stopped. Hard work & no one to share the joy with. Shelly says that I should be proud of things with out here approval. It's not that I want her approval, I know it's good, but I still don't like celebrating on my own. Back to being alone, with no one who gives a damn. Saddest part about that is I have no one because I've been abandoned, not because I haven't shared it. Who knew not sharing it would be less painful.

I've made a few compromises. Fair ones I think. I eat, a lot. When I have to. My mother might not be touching me anymore, but it still hurts like hell to be me. So some things not so healthy might be compromised, but hell. I need something to fucking help me cope. Shelly, it's not because of you, but because I need something. You did the right thing. & so am I.

Fuck.