When you're at the bottom, you can only go up.

Well, in order to chronicle my progress, I guess I should tell about the small steps I've already made.

The first step I made--more like I picked myself up, brushed off my shoulders, & prepared to take a step--was to admit to myself the truth that I had been denying myself of all of my life. I had always believed my mother when she said I was a failure & that I would amount to nothing no matter how hard I try, because in the end I never do anything right. Well, I had to admit to myself that I wasn't failing at meeting my mother's expectations because they were unattainable. Although I had this hate for myself & a belief that I was good for absolutely nothing, it was harder to admit that I would never make my parents proud of me. I also decided that I would no longer live to try to please my parents, because I'm obviously unhappy & my parents still don't approve.

The second step I made was a decision. I decided to protect myself by not going on a vacation with my parents. I pretended to be sick, & have the flu. But my mother would have made those two weeks hell, & instead I enjoyed them.

The last step I made was actually just taken today. I had been living with a room mate who was disrespectful to me & was a main cause for my dislike of college life. So I decided to apply for a single room. To my surprise my wish was granted & today I moved to a new room. My roommate, who was a friend of mine from high school, has defriended me, & I feel bad that she is so upset, but I know that in the end, this step will help me down the path to happiness.

Well, that's the progress I've made. I know that it's really not much, but you have to start somewhere.
I owe all of this progress to Shelly. I couldn't have gotten through without her. I love her & "I owe [her] everyday I wake" ~Brand New.
Farewell.

Too Much Exposition.

Ah, no such thing. Well I guess in order for progress to fully be understood, the place I'm coming from needs to be put into context. So here is a what you need to know. The basics. A crash course. I'm sure details will weave themselves into my future posts, but here we okay:

So I'm 19. Yeah, young for such a bleak outlook on life, I know. But I was never really a kid, so I've had about 19 years of adulthood. I grew up as an only child in a semi run down neighborhood. My parents met in a bar (how romantic) & wed a year later. Never wanting to really settle down & have children, my abrupt addition to their life really screwed things up for them. Although their dreams were crushed, they never let them go. Instead they held on to them--but not as something to aspire to but rather something that could have been.

My dad and I are like neighbors. We know each other's names & are courteous to one another when we pass each other, but don't know what goes on behind closed doors. The sad part is, we live behind the same closed door, he just doesn't bother to venture very far into the home he's created. Home is a generous word. I defiantly live in a house that has never been a home. Sure, there are nick-knacks on shelves & furniture & personal rooms. But there isn't a family living in this house, so that "home" feeling just doesn't exist. Well, the family can't be a family if the father figure isn't present. Sure, he's there but he isn't a part of my life. He always worked long hours, so he was gone most of the day. Although when he came home, he'd proceed to watch television in the "family" room where I'm guessing family bonding is supposed to take place. Well, if that's so, I feel that the child should be allowed in when her father is in the room. As I've gotten older, my father has started working less hours, but he & I still rarely interact. I go weeks without saying a word to him. Now that I'm at college, he doesn't call. Well, because he doesn't care to know.

With a life she never wanted, a child that constantly fails, & a distant husband, my mother has a lot of aggression. I understand, she has a life she didn't ask for & had no control over. She was happy until shit just rained down. It has poured for over 19 years, & Noah's not coming for her with an ark. She hates her past, despises her future, & fears the consistency of life in the future. Like a wild animal suddenly caged without warning, she has a lot of aggression. She hates her life & guess where it turned towards hell? That's right, when she had a baby suddenly dropped in her lap. A baby she didn't want. Yeah, I know I know, she could have had an abortion if she really didn't want to have you. Nope, she had a freak pregnancy where she didn't find out she was pregnant until she was 6 months into the pregnancy & that was too late to terminate. So if this mistake ruined her life, it was to blame. When she got angry--it was where she released her emotions. She had very high standards in place for me all of my life. So high in fact, that I can't even tell you really what she was looking for. & of course I was never good enough, smart enough, thin enough, pretty enough, nice enough, I was never enough. & you must punish what fails. I was always pointed out the mistakes I made. All of them. & there have been many. & when she was having a bad day. A bad week. A bad year. I'd know. & I'd have the wounds to prove it.

They say you are what your parents made you. They hate me. I've heard. So I hate myself. If I can't even please the people who are supposed to love me unconditionally, how am I to love myself? I can't. I don't. I see myself for all of my countless flaws. I disgust myself so much I can't even face my reflection. I sometimes wonder how anyone can stand to look at me. & then I think "they look past it to see my inside" but then I know that doesn't work because my inside isn't pleasant either. I understand why I have few close friends, & it amazes me that I have them, because I don't even enjoy my own company. My mother always takes her anger out on me, & I do the same. For five long years of my life I practiced self mutilation. I've stopped now. It was hard, but I haven't relapsed since I told myself no. I can't say I wouldn't have been able to stay "clean" if it weren't for Shelly, but I still haven't hurt myself in 9 months. & I'm proud.

Besides my close relationship with self harm, I almost attempted suicide when I was 14. Yeah, those years were rough. But I was tired of life. With a note written, & the plan laid out, I was ready to take my life. However, I had never been happy. Never. & I wanted to know what that felt like. I couldn't die not knowing happy. Because I'm sure happy is something to live for. & believe me, it is. I've spent 19 years searching for that feeling. True happiness. & I found it less than a week ago. I couldn't believe that I could feel that way. No care in the word. Nothing in my mind, my heart, my body but joy & love. Real love. If you haven't felt that before, stick it out until you do. Because I don't think I lived until that day. & although I'm terrified that I will never feel that again, I won't give up trying.

Man, that's a lot of bad. Why not some good? Well, last entry I said that I had been at the bottom until a few months ago when I finally began my journey to the life I wanted. The life I deserved. I can't take credit for my change, because I couldn't have done it without my best friend, Shelly. She was with me every step of the way, even though she was getting lost with me. But we found the light. I truly love her. I don't think I love my parents. I do, because they raised me & gave me the necessities & are kind a lot of the time. But I don't think I love them. I always thought I did, until I realized I loved Shelly, then I realized what real love is. & what it feels like to be loved in return. The only reason being happy trumps loving is because Shelly was a part of my happiness.

So I'm on the long road of change, but I believe I'm headed in the right direction. & at least I have a co-passenger beside me all the way. & to be honest, I don't know if I would want to make the long journey without her to share it with when I get there.

So I said this was a crash course, well I might have lied a bit. But farewell for now, if anyone is even listening.

My favorite quote: "You are calm & reposed. Let Your Beauty Unfold."

For Starters.

So hello out there. I doubt anyone will read this, but who knows right? Basically, I'm writing this blog to chronicle the changes I think I might go through in the upcoming months, years, decades, or maybe not at all.

I have been stuck in a rut--that's being kind--for all of my life. No, not these last couple of years, my whole entire life. I was abused all of my life by my other, ignored by my father, & have taken it. When I left my home, I faced bullying & taunting by children who definitely missed the lesson on right and wrong. Paired with outside hate, I have hate for myself. Strong hate, that runs deep into my veins & has stained my heart. However, I'm calling it quits. I can't go on like this. I know I will lose the greatness I have found if I continue & I know I'm the one who has to change.

I want to write here about the ways I go about doing this, to help those out there. Yeah, I know you always hear "you're not alone" but you're not a cliche either. You can leave this darkness, & I hope my walk toward the bright might show someone that it can be done. My life isn't a movie, & I'm not some fictional idea of a hard life. I don't have a hard life compared to anyone else, but it is my life & I'm not going to settle with it. So I know anyone can at least pick themselves up because I was at the bottom & not even looking up about a month ago. But with the help of my friend (we'll call her Shelly here because she will be brought up, believe me) & the knowledge that I can do it, & I am the one standing in my way I decided to look up from the bottom & am now on that up hill climb. I know the evil Lifewasoncebrilliant is still here with me, tugging at my heals with ever inch I make, but I hope that once I'm at the top I can pull a Bruce Campbell on that Shebitch's ass! Because you better believe it, Good, bad, I'll be the one holding the gun.

So sorry I know I have made the first few steps without you, but in the next few posts I'll provide some detailed exposition. But for now, farewell,

I will leave you with a quote: (Yes, I am a cheesy person who loves the cheesy things. Hope you do too,) "The fact is, that to do anything in the world worth doing, we must not stand back shivering and thinking of the cold and danger, but jump in and scramble through as well as we can." ~Robert Cushing