Hello there. I am just soo drained at the moment. Been awake for far too many hours. & am consumed by a wide range of emotions. However, the spectrum doesn't exactly include the happy ones.
Today has been long. I think it is because it is running into yesterday & I feel like much of it was lost, but still don't know.
I do know one thing. I need to stop fucking saying "I don't know". I don't, but man do I sound like a broken record. Well, maybe I think like one too & have an excuse like one as well.
First thing this morning I had an appointment with my therapist. I really wanted to vent about yesterday, because I was feeling like shit, but no. We have to talk about what emotions I have & what better ways to deal with them. Still. She still brings up the idea of me being hospitalized. That is just not okay with me. It really bothers me. But mostly, it just scares the fuck out of me. I do know that I don't want to be institutionalized. I don't. She is afraid that I am going to be revert back to my old ways of self harm. & she even said that she is keeping a close "suicide-watch" eye on me. What the fuck? Never did I tell her that I wanted or even thought about taking my life. Because I don't. That is one thing I DO fucking know.
After all of my lovely classes, which I could not pay attention in, I talked with Shelly. But I can't help but really dislike myself at the moment for it. I can honestly say that I didn't have a conscious manipulation for making her talk to me. Seriously. But I guess everyone is thinking I'm a liar these days.
Last night, or more like this morning, I sent Shelly a text asking her to read this blog before we talk next. I figured it would save time & she could have a direct understanding of everything. When I sent that text, I had been thinking for hours about what to say in it. How to word it to make it not seem like a thing I needed asap. When to send it. How much detail do I give. Do I tell her that I'm not okay? Or do I just let her assume? A good chunk of time that should have been spent sleeping was being wasted on these stupid thoughts. So I decided to put an end of this nonsense by just sending the text then. She was supposed to be asleep, but of course she wasn't. But I know that I said in the text that It was premature & that I know we weren't going to be talking for a while & how that was okay. Because it was! & not to worry about me.
I seriously didn't think she'd read them then & then want to talk today. I didn't want to talk to her today because I feel so guilty. Ugh. So Shelly, I'm sorry. But we did talk. Hahaha. No, I sobbed the whole time. I was a mess. & I feel so fucking terrible for doing that to her.
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I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. At least when I lose this, it won't be because of my fucking mother.
On top of this. It's pretty official. O is no longer my friend. A six, almost seven, year friendship ended because of three calls & a fucking nap. I will admit that life is not fucking fair to me.
I don't really know where to go from here. I am trying to make plans, but I don't know, things always fall apart on me. I read the directions, I set it up carefully. Put time, effort, & myself into it. But when I take that step back to enjoy it, it crumbles. I can't always be the one standing there holding everything up. Because I always am. & my back i fucking breaking.
I oddly feel like life is taking its course a bit here. I'm not one of those people to believe in stupid shit like that, but I don't know. I think my life is clearing itself of the shit that has infested it. It got tired of waiting for me to do it. So now it's taking the reins & doing steering for me. My old roommate was not nice to me. She put me down to make herself feel better. I was a doormat & I never tried to pick myself up off the floor. Just assumed it was my place to be. But this opportunity opened up (which never fucking happens to me) & I just rode the curtails until I found myself with one less friend. Yeah, I am upset about it. & I miss her. But I think that it was right. Now I have that sliver of hate gone. I mean, I can't cut out the main source, because we're talking about my life here, & Me dead isn't going to solve anything. But I think my life is better now without her there feeding on the little good I have.
Well the next event was with O. I really like O, but I don't exactly know why. She is not nice. Frankly, she is a bitch. Yet no one really lets her know that. But of all the people she is mean to is me. Ask anyone. I don't know what my confidence would be like if I didn't have her oh my shoulder, telling me (fucking bluntly at that) all of my flaws. But despite all this, she was still my best friend for a good portion of my life. I am upset that we aren't friends anymore, but how bad is it really? She is hurting me so fucking much right now, but I think there are two possible outcomes from this: first & more likely one, I will have one less friend. A friend who wasn't nice to me & really wasn't a friend. Or second, we will be friends but she will know that I'm done with all her shit.
All I know right now is I'm not very happy. I am so afraid of being hurt at this point that I don't want to do anything. I know that I often set myself up for these sort of things, but I think most know how I am. Know what I need. & should sort of see this thing in the making.
Where to go from here? Honestly I still just want to sleep & never fucking wake up.
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