I feel like it is tuesday all fucking over again. I keep on going up & down & up & down. At least I am not quiet as upset today as I was that day, but I still feel pretty shitty.
At the moment, Shelly is trying to get me to talk to her. Well, that came out wrong. She asked me if I wanted to, & I said no because she should be working. She always puts me frist & suffers for it, & I need to stop being so selfish.
So let me just get what is really fucking with me off my mind at the start, even though it's most recent. So O. Yeah, we are no longer friends & never will be again. & I feel like such a shitty friend to her. I mean, I wasn't horrible, but I wasn't there for her when she needed me & I have hurt her. I have hurt her enough that she is done being my friend.
Here is the transcript of our texts.
J: Are we ever going to talk? Are we friends anymore?
J: Will you please just answer the second question?
O: You’ve changed & our friendship isn’t the same anymore. Maybe we were meant to be high school friends.
J: You’ve changed too. College does that to people.
O: How have I changed?
J: You aren’t as happy. & something else I can’t identify is there that has caused you to give up friends
O: I'm not as happy…right I thought I was (a nickname that involves her name).
J: Can we just talk because texting complicates everything
J: (My old roommate) called you that. You were happy though.
O: Right & you ganged up on me for being a negative bitch for no reason then?
J: What?
J: Come on. What do you want from me, O?
J: Really? why won’t you just talk to me? Why are you so content with losing this friendship? Does it mean that little to you?
J: Nothing is going to happen if we don’t talk. If you won’t answer your phone at least text me back.
J: How have I changed?
(then I sent her a long letter
O: I'm not mad at you, but I can't talk to you because I don't know what's going on.
J: What do you mean?
O: I don't know.
J: Why can't we just talk I sent you a letter that says everything I have to say.
J: what do you mean going on? Like do you have any ideas?
O: & I just sent you my response.
O: I don't know.
J: are you sure you sent it?
O:I was referring to my text.
J: oh... what?
(I get so confused.)
J: why can't we talk?
O: because I don't want to.
J: why notttt? It will make this easier.
J: are you okay... seriously?
J: O?
J: okay you;re making me worry. If you don't answer I'll start calling non stop again.
(all day goes by)
J: O?
O: Yes?
J: are you okay?
O: I think it's part birth control. I feel insane.
J: just talk to me.
O: I don't want to talk & I don't want to think
J: I'm not going to care how upset or whatever you are, but you need to talk to someone.
J: It doesn't have to be for long
O: I just can't. You Don't understand.
J: I do. I really do. you will feel better. Just try. If it's too much or too hard, we'll stop, but you need to just try it.
O: Just text me whatever you want to say.
J: come on. I don't care if you cry or yell. Just talk it out to me.
O: I DON"T WANT TO.
J: why not? It will feel good.
O: How the fuck do you know that?
J: I've felt insane & like crap before. Talk it out.
O this is the last time that I'm gonna say that I don't want to.
J: Fine. Well I'm here if you ever change your mind. Tomorrow call your doctor! they will take you off this pill. It's your hormones. It's okay.
O: right. that's the thing I really can't blame it on the pills.
J; Yeah you can. It's amazing what they can do.
J: Women have seriously killed their husbands because of hormones.
O: Well I'm saying this isn't just my hormones. I ended whatever I had with Shelly before I even started bcp.
J: I know... what are you feeling?
J: You should still call the doctor.
O: I feel like shit cause I literally have no friends.
J: I have to ask, & please don't ignore this question, should I be worried that you are going to hurt yourself or do anything worse?
J: well you can't do this to them without letting them know what's going on.
O" What would I do? Slit my wrist with a pair of scissors? Jump off a building? Summer is in six weeks. I'm not fucking suicidal.
J: I don't know. You've got me worried. Are you going to hurt yourself? like mutilation?
O: Please stop being retarded.
J: O. I'm serious.
O: So am I. Thanks for making me laugh.
J: Ugh. I'm pissed at that.
J: Is there anything I can do for you...?
O: You can stop acting like you're my best friend.
J: are we friends at all?
O: I don't know are we?
J: I don't know what you want from me. I'm asking this sincerely because I wish someone had cared about me. So I want you to know that I care about you.
J: You know, it's up to you.
J: Hello?
O: I don't have a reply.
J: why not? I just had said something personal & important to you. say something.
O: well you obviously feel that our friendship is one that can suddenly end.
J: I do? O! You just told me we were not friend anymore tow days ago. I don;t want this to end but it takes two to have a friendship. & You just ended it with Shelly.
O: Okay. So I don't know what you want to hear from me.
J: What's up. what you want. I want nothing but to help you.
O: I wanted a best friend who I could tell anything to. You were never that person because you were always embarrassed or felt too awkward to talk about things. & so I could never really trust you even though you were my best friend. & then you go & switch me for Shelly. What am I supposed to do then?
J: you never tried to talk to me. Try now.
O: I considered both you & Shelly my best friends & I always wanted to hang out together. But you & crystal ever wanted me there. Was I supposed to be happy about this? I mean I never let it show cause I'm not going to be a bitter bitch but wtf? & this has nothing to do with what happened between me & Shelly so don't even bring it up.
J: I'm sorry. We didn't always invite you because we didn't want to make you feel like a third wheel. We were wrong. I do consider you a best friend. But we were never the kind to share with one another. There's a whole lot of shit in my life that you don't know. & it's because I never thought you cared to know. I would have been there to talk to you if you needed it. & I never thought I showed anything but that to you.
O: You didn't think i cared because I'm the pessimistic blunt bitch is what you're trying to say.
J: No that is not what I said. but yeah, you're blunt. would you have listened I felt like you've always turned a blind eye.
O: Yea because we never talked about anything important.
J: so I want to ask you something. I've been digging up my past & something keeps nagging at me. I don't care what your answer is, I won't be mad. but I really want to know. did you know I cut myself for 6 years did you know & not care Or did you just never notice?
J: please don't tell anyone about that. I prefer no one else to know. & you & shelly are the only ones who do. that says a lot about what you mean to me.
O: Yea you told Shelly & I basically forced it out of you under these circumstances. Makes me feel great. & no i didn't know. How the fuck was I supposed to know? Just because I'm your best friend doesn't mean that I will know how to read your mind.
J: I tried to tell you in my poetry. don't worry, no fucking person noticed. It took so much from me to tell shelly. & I'm sorry, but don't act like you care too much about me.
O: Your poetry. Right because I just happen to love poems so fucking much. & you're right I don't care about you anymore because it's obvious that you don't know the first fucking thing about me.
J: Thanks. I don't know what you want from me o.
O: this conversation did make me feel better because it made me see that we were never best friends to begin with. so thank you.
J: Ugh. then why can't we just be friends? Why do i have to be your best friend? can we just be friends or do we have to go to no friends?
O: I was fine with being just friends because I'm not an idiot & I've know that Shelly was your best friend since at least senior year. But it's different now & I can see that we had a superficial friendship that has lost meaning now.
J: But I still consider you a close & good friend. Maybe I was wrong, but I don't know why you want to not be friends at all.
O: can you not understand that our whole friendship was a lie? We pretended to be happy. how can I ever look at you again & not feel betrayed?
J: What do you mean? I had so much fun with you.
O: Right so you had fun with me & then after I left you would cut yourself? Our friendship was a joke.
J: no it wasn't. we were best friends. are you telling me you were super happy all the time? I'm sorry, I had shit in my life but it wasn't connected to our friendship.
O: Obviously I wasn't your best friend if you couldn't bother to tell me one single thing. Just because I was happy doesn't mean that there was shit in my life that i didn't want to tell you.
J: then you should have. I never said you didn't. I didn't tell anyone, not just you.
O: Well you should have. We can't even have a convo about tampons cause it makes you uncomfortable. How was I supposed to tell you my life shit?
J: As long as they don't involve feminine care. I'm down. You can't say I should have told you things if you wouldn't. & I just did.
O: Yeah, like telling me now will make any difference.
J: I never said it would. I don't want to spill my guys out to you. I'm a private person. But you obviously want to. & I am here if you want to. You just don't trust me.
O: I would trust my best friend but i don't have one anymore.
J: You didn't trust me when we were best friends.
O: You never gave me reason to.
J: I would tell anyone.
O: That's cause you don't have anyone to tell now except shelly.
J: Wel I wouldn't tell her. you know, I don't know know how many times you want me to say sorry. You can't just be mad we weren't close when you didn't do anything to make us closer. If you really want to tell me, do it. we can't change the past, we might as well not swell in it. we should focus on the present/future.
O: We study history for a reason. & I can't imagine a future with you.
J: Why? Why do you not want to be friends?
O: I don't thin I will ever be happy when I'm with you anymore.
J: Really? What the hell did I do wrong O? You know, I thought I was a good friend.
O: Right. You were a terrible friend to me. & You're showing it right now. Why do you still want to be friends?
J: Because I enjoy spending time with you.
O: You won't anymore.
J: Not if you hate me.
O: I don't hate you & I don't hate Shelly. I miss shelly & I will miss you but thats it.
J: Why does that have to be it?
O: I don't feel anything is keeping us together anymore.
J: Well I care about you. Do you not care about me? Because that would be enough.
O: No I don't. I'm going to sleep.
J: Really o? That's it?
J: So we're not friends anymore? I'll miss you.
Fuckkkkk. I'm glad she can sleep. I know I won't. The rest of my weekend had some shit in it, but I just want to turn myself off right now. So later I will empty myself.
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