Stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone ought to be

Ah, how did I end up here?

I've made lots of friends--both guys and girls. I am so comfortable with them that I act like my weird self. & they have all responded well. It blows my minds.

I actually have allowed myself to develop romantic feelings towards one of these new friends, which leaves me feeling so damn vulnerable. But I guess this is how normal or healthy people feel? All I know is it is all foreign to me. Nice--but I feel like I am experiencing culture shock. Become a person who feels is a whole lot of work. There are so many more emotions that I knew I could experience.

I feel so odd. Complaining about boys. Am I really that healthy that I don't need to complain about covering bruises or long red gashes? I hope so. But even though these emotions are a bit overwhelming, they don't cause my reactions to run the gamete, because I know what low is. And I've come to know the other end too.

Well, this whole liking a boy gets even more complicated--he likes me back. I really can't understand it. I am so much better than I was before. I believe that I deserve friends, attention, and care. But I still can't understand why anyone would find me attractive. It just confuses me beyond belief. That's exactly it. I don't believe it. I'm not convinced.

So, here's what I'm going to do. I know the concept that I deserve to have someone care about me in this way, because I believe every other person deserves it. So I can't make myself an exception to this rule, just because I'm not my biggest fan. But I fully believe in the idea that no one can love you or find you beautiful, unless you believe it yourself. I also believe that you can convince yourself of anything. Hey, I managed to convince myself to believe that I deserved the abuse I endured for years. So making myself believe the "truth" can't be too hard, right?

This is my new goal. I will make myself believe that I am beautiful, wonderful, and a person who deserves all sorts of happiness. The way I'm going to go about this is in two ways:

1. I will not say anything negative about myself. No jokes. No put downs. Nothing. I am going to tell all of my friends that I am not allowed to do these things. Make them stop me. Maybe owe them a dollar every time I do it.

2. I will replace these with positive things. Every day, I will tell myself something good about myself. Maybe ask my friends with help with this too. But everyday. Maybe say one good thing about my personality or appearance every day.

So let's see how this goes.
I smell progress.