I don't know what to do. I am falling apart. Here is my test: can I survive alone? Fuck, I don't think I can. I did it for so long, burned all my fuel. Began to rely on the help of wind to push me along. But when the wind changes & blows in another direction. I am left where I started, but the momentum's gone, & I'm running on empty. I don't think I'm going to make it.
This week has been rough & draining. It was finished by a terrible weekend that only got worse & worse. I honestly don't know how mush more of this I can take. I thought that I was done with these urges & feelings. I mean I knew that they weren't gone, but I didn't realize they would come crashing down on me so hard.
Things are worse here at home than I had been preparing for. I know last time didn't work out, but I don't foresee me seeing august without something. The people I continually interact with are draining me. I have barely slept. I'm running out of newly obtained techniques & truly fear I might turn back to my old coping mechanism. Because I know that it at least works, momentarily. & I can't say I'm looking too far into the future to see what the consequences are, because I have a feeling it's going to be a lot of this, & not a lot of good. Not enough to fight for. To look forward to. I don't know if my readings are off. But I'm looking at some of what I'm getting from people, & I think I might be being lied to & might find that this shit of a future I've conjured will be a dream compared to what's really in store.
I guess it's my denial, paired with abandonment & breakdowns. I might be coming to the end of my rope. I don't know what's at the end. The ground, where I'll land on my feet & walk away? A fire to burn & replace these feelings with a soothing pain? Or a noose, to end it all & allow me to escape this hell I'm in? Honestly, I can't tell from here which one. All I know is that my mother & others are shaking the other end, making me slide down to figure it out before I really want to. & I can't say there isn't an option at the moment which wouldn't be welcomed.
Fuck, this. Why can't I just get better?
