Heaven

When I die. If there is a heaven & I manage to get in, what I will find there is my plan b.
No changes or anything special.

I'm saddened to know this can't happen in reality, but I like to save the idea that this is waiting for me. I don't know how long I will have to wait.
Maybe a real plan a,
Maybe a short time.

But I can't see there being nothing better after this world, since I've been dealt this hand. I've wanted to fold.& I know no winning cards will be given in the next flop. Makes me wonder why stay in, when I keep on losing everything I have?

Pathetic.

How pathetic is it that I want nothing more than to be held while I cry? Honestly, I think if i was just held with love, I would begin to cry.

How pathetic is it that I have cried myself to sleep more nights in the last two weeks than had nights without soggy pillows & swollen eyes?

How pathetic is it that I bought a pillow that simulates the heart beat, so I can hug it & try to feel like someone who actually cares about me is hugging me? But in reality, I'm laying there alone again.

How pathetic is it that I have spent more time thinking of how to avoid the future than actually planning for it?

Pathetic.

Another Day.

Life passes by so quickly, yet I am stuck where the pendulum doesn't swing.
This is my life, ending one minute at a time.

Hi There.

Okay. So let's face it. No one is reading this crap. So I just so happen to want to vent on my computer. So, hello J, how are you? So basically, I know that Shelly no longer wants to be no part in the troubles in my life so I know she won't be reading these. However, Shelly, if you do decide to read it, know that I am not so nice. These are things that I'm too afraid to tell you these things, or you don't want to know, so proceed with caution.

Welcome back, I have been doing alright. Better than I thought I would be. A while ago I thought I was no longer numb, but as time ellasps, I feel more & more & I'm not so sure if that is a good thing or not. It's getting harder to deal, espcially since I have to do it on my own.

But, I do think I'm in a good meduim. I know, it is not perfect, but damn I need some sort of crutch, some sort of help. Shelly has given up on me, leaving me to myself. I still don't like myself very much. Still don't really care about seeing daylight. Meh, it's nice when I see it, but I don't care so much if I don't. The abuse has stopped. Hard work & no one to share the joy with. Shelly says that I should be proud of things with out here approval. It's not that I want her approval, I know it's good, but I still don't like celebrating on my own. Back to being alone, with no one who gives a damn. Saddest part about that is I have no one because I've been abandoned, not because I haven't shared it. Who knew not sharing it would be less painful.

I've made a few compromises. Fair ones I think. I eat, a lot. When I have to. My mother might not be touching me anymore, but it still hurts like hell to be me. So some things not so healthy might be compromised, but hell. I need something to fucking help me cope. Shelly, it's not because of you, but because I need something. You did the right thing. & so am I.

Fuck.

I am breaking apart so silently. No one is here as I fall through through the glass walls around me.

I don't know what to do. I am falling apart. Here is my test: can I survive alone? Fuck, I don't think I can. I did it for so long, burned all my fuel. Began to rely on the help of wind to push me along. But when the wind changes & blows in another direction. I am left where I started, but the momentum's gone, & I'm running on empty. I don't think I'm going to make it.
This week has been rough & draining. It was finished by a terrible weekend that only got worse & worse. I honestly don't know how mush more of this I can take. I thought that I was done with these urges & feelings. I mean I knew that they weren't gone, but I didn't realize they would come crashing down on me so hard.
Things are worse here at home than I had been preparing for. I know last time didn't work out, but I don't foresee me seeing august without something. The people I continually interact with are draining me. I have barely slept. I'm running out of newly obtained techniques & truly fear I might turn back to my old coping mechanism. Because I know that it at least works, momentarily. & I can't say I'm looking too far into the future to see what the consequences are, because I have a feeling it's going to be a lot of this, & not a lot of good. Not enough to fight for. To look forward to. I don't know if my readings are off. But I'm looking at some of what I'm getting from people, & I think I might be being lied to & might find that this shit of a future I've conjured will be a dream compared to what's really in store.
I guess it's my denial, paired with abandonment & breakdowns. I might be coming to the end of my rope. I don't know what's at the end. The ground, where I'll land on my feet & walk away? A fire to burn & replace these feelings with a soothing pain? Or a noose, to end it all & allow me to escape this hell I'm in? Honestly, I can't tell from here which one. All I know is that my mother & others are shaking the other end, making me slide down to figure it out before I really want to. & I can't say there isn't an option at the moment which wouldn't be welcomed.
Fuck, this. Why can't I just get better?

How did I end up here?

Wow.
Day 365
One year without blood.
One year without burns.
One year with no razor.
One year without a heated object.
One year clean.

Looking back, that journey was rough,& yet here I am standing at the end of this road (& waiting to start on the next leg of the challenge)
& I am a stronger person
I am a better person
I am a happier person.

In this last year I learned
what love is
what happiness is
how to love
what it feels like to be cared for
what it feels like for someone to fucking give a damn

In this last year I have
hit rock bottom
Been at my highest
Shared myself
Stopped faking
Showed my true self
Been accepted.
Grown close to someone.

In the last year I have stopped mutilating
But I have begun to stop:
Self Hating
Thinking everyone dislikes me
Letting myself be a doormat.

In the next year I will:
Learn to love myself
continue to love what I have
Not settle for my life.

Thank you Shelly. You helped make ALLL of this happen. I couldn't have done it without you. You've saved my life. More times than you even know.

Regression.

I'm four days from my 1 year. I don't know if I can make it.
Fuck, I fail at everything else, right?

Pushing up Daisies.

I found out I didn't get into my transfer school. I feel so fucked. Now I'm home & feel worse than I thought I could feel.
Great.
Tomorrow I'm supposed to see Shelly, but I have a feeling it will be only for a short time.
Then back to this.
I don't want summer.
I'm on my way to hell.
I tried, oh god knows that I tried.
Question is, am I willing to make it?
Because the good might be good, but the bright is too slight to hold back all my dark.

It's Been A While

It's been a while
but I can now say that I am not addicted and
It's been a while
but I still can't say I love myself as well and
It's been a while
Since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do
It's been a while
But all that shit seems to come back like it's not new.
But everything I can't remember as fucked up as it may seem
the consequences that I've rendered
I've gone and fucked things up again.

Yeah, it's been a while since I've last posed. I know I've changed, but things still aren't perfect. Or even close.
I continue to be overwhelmed by everything. By life. But it is so much less than before. Or at least I think it is. Ugh. Everything thing just builds up within me, & I don't know how to release it anymore.

Little things snowball until I can barely carry them anymore. I don't know how to properly deal with them. I talk some of them out with my therapist, but she has things she believes we need to address. I still have so much to sort out, but I have one more session. What to do? I can go about dealing with them in the way I used to, for that solved nothing. So I can't do that. It's not like I want to go back to dealing that way. But I hate not letting them out. I don't feel like they are healed. I know that actually bleeding out my problems, & watching the wound scab & flake & dry & heal really solves anything, but I hate having all this un-releasable pressure.

Man, I sure get lonely here. I eat a few meals with friends. But I never really talk during them. Everyone there is either talking about a party they've just been to, or a party coming up. So I just sit & listen. half of the time I don't even listen. All I do is zone out. Yep, that's started a bit again. But like before, I don't know what to do about it. I didn't know before, I don't know now. I used to hang out often with my friends. But now they keep on canceling. Half of the time it is 10 minutes before, or never even tell me. There was a girl who I'd talk to between classes, but she asked me for help & I guess she didn't like my answer. Because she left class without me & we normally walk together. She wasn't very blunt.

Most days I go without talking to anyone. The one person I talk to is my fucking mother. Over the weekend I had fun with my cousins, but that is the only enjoyable thing in the last few weeks. The only person I've talked to for more than a half an hour are my mother & a girl I really don't like.

I broke down the other day. Too many emotions. But I don't know. I feel so fucking stupid for having them. I watch all these fucking shows & everyone has drama & have friends to help them out. Everyone hugs it out when they cry. All I want right now is a fucking hug. But I have no one. How pathetic.

I've been trying to hide that I'm not okay. Doing well. Back to old habits again. Ugh.

The other thing cause chaos in my mind is happening a week from today. I find out if I am able to transfer or not. I get nauseous, hot, & upset every time I think about that day. I don't even know what I fucking want. I don't know if I want to get in. I do, but I don't. I'm afraid, & really think that those at the prosper school actually want me to get in, & go. I don't think I will get in. Man, my fucking self confidence is so low. A friend commented on my confidence being non existent. She says there is no reason I won't get in. That I need confidence. Ugh, I can't do this. I'm going to be sick.

Speaking of sick, but not really. I am having some escalating body issues. Occasionally, I don't have such a problem. But a lot of the time, all I want to be is thin. I've never had this problem.
I just need to be happy.
Reread my old post.
Get the fuck over this problem.
Food makes me happy.

Farewell, all. Things must get better, right?
But I fear summer is coming up, & I will just be upset & alone there too. Again, so fucking alone.

I am a Word that No One Ever Wants to Say.

ICMTMTB.
Wow. It is scary to write that down again. But it feels so great to let it out. To let someone know what it is.

ICMTMTB.
It is my creation. Yeah, it is just an acronym, but it became more to me. It became a living entity. Some living & breathing. Feeding off of me. A scary spark of an addiction.

ICMTMTB.
It became an obsession. My own little development that I nurtured & brought to life. It took over my life. Dark days.

ICMTMTB.
Repeated in my mind. Papers covered with this word. Etched into my skin. Like a number you become obsessed with, I began to see it everywhere.

ICMTMTB.
It began to sneak into my life & begin rooting itself in every part of my being. Trying to get someone to notice. Finding itself on random papers. My assignment notebook. Wanting to be seen. To spread.

ICMTMTB.
I began to chant it. When I was upset. Felt worthless. Felt unwanted. Sad. an association with the negative--all that I know.

ICMTMTB.
I have never spoken these words since 10th grade when things spiraled & I saw no end. These letters have not been written since then. I can feel my chest swell as my fingers easily find the keys.

ICMTMTB.
I have moved on, but have been carrying this weight for far too long.

ICMTMTB.
I'm shedding this part of my life. It will no longer control me.

ICMTMTB.
I cut myself to make things better.