Stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone ought to be

Ah, how did I end up here?

I've made lots of friends--both guys and girls. I am so comfortable with them that I act like my weird self. & they have all responded well. It blows my minds.

I actually have allowed myself to develop romantic feelings towards one of these new friends, which leaves me feeling so damn vulnerable. But I guess this is how normal or healthy people feel? All I know is it is all foreign to me. Nice--but I feel like I am experiencing culture shock. Become a person who feels is a whole lot of work. There are so many more emotions that I knew I could experience.

I feel so odd. Complaining about boys. Am I really that healthy that I don't need to complain about covering bruises or long red gashes? I hope so. But even though these emotions are a bit overwhelming, they don't cause my reactions to run the gamete, because I know what low is. And I've come to know the other end too.

Well, this whole liking a boy gets even more complicated--he likes me back. I really can't understand it. I am so much better than I was before. I believe that I deserve friends, attention, and care. But I still can't understand why anyone would find me attractive. It just confuses me beyond belief. That's exactly it. I don't believe it. I'm not convinced.

So, here's what I'm going to do. I know the concept that I deserve to have someone care about me in this way, because I believe every other person deserves it. So I can't make myself an exception to this rule, just because I'm not my biggest fan. But I fully believe in the idea that no one can love you or find you beautiful, unless you believe it yourself. I also believe that you can convince yourself of anything. Hey, I managed to convince myself to believe that I deserved the abuse I endured for years. So making myself believe the "truth" can't be too hard, right?

This is my new goal. I will make myself believe that I am beautiful, wonderful, and a person who deserves all sorts of happiness. The way I'm going to go about this is in two ways:

1. I will not say anything negative about myself. No jokes. No put downs. Nothing. I am going to tell all of my friends that I am not allowed to do these things. Make them stop me. Maybe owe them a dollar every time I do it.

2. I will replace these with positive things. Every day, I will tell myself something good about myself. Maybe ask my friends with help with this too. But everyday. Maybe say one good thing about my personality or appearance every day.

So let's see how this goes.
I smell progress.

Long Time, No See.

Wow.
I haven't been back here for a while. I thought that I was alone, just talking to myself, and so I stopped updating.
But I just went back to my blog, to see how he was doing & found a comment. Asking me where I went. Holy hell! I had no idea anyone was listening. So I guess I'm back.

My life has changed a lot since I last saw you. Ups & downs. But I'm in such a better place then I was before.

I had a tough summer, where it was a whole lot of home. I didn't know how to handle it. I relied a whole lot on Shelly, but that sort of made us reconsider some boundaries. The first big change that happened, was that a few people found out about my past. Shelly couldn't take it anymore, & told her family. Fuck, that hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew she was struggling with the weight of my baggage, but I didn't think she would do that. I knew that there was no taking it back, so I didn't get angry. But it was hard to be with these people who knew everything there is to know about me. Without me telling them. With me not telling them. The information left my hands. But I've grown since then.

I told my mother that I was done with her shit. That if I have one more bruise, I will leave. She hasn't hit me since. Smacks me around with words, but nothing more. I know that is still not good, but it is a step in the right direction, right?

Last semester was... a leap & bound towards a bright future. I finally said "fuck it." & did what I wanted. I joined a multi-cultural sorority. Yeah, I know. THat sounds so.... girly. But it is actually not really like a sorority. It is non judgey & service oriented. So, as a result of my new move, I have made new friends. I actually got close to some of them, & began to see the brighter side of life.

Over winter break, I slipped back a little, because all of the time spent at home. Ugh, so one of the terrible things that happened is that I got lost finding the place that my parents had been drinking at on new years. My dad was livid. & smacked me so hard. Third time he hit me. Third time, & the most painful. Emotionally. I had to go back to my house where Shelly & another friend were at & pretend I was so fucking fine & dandy.

This semester has been even better! No, I'm not kidding. So yeah, I have more friends, & some are even male.
I love this new life I'm living.
If I can do it, hell, anyone can.
Haven't thought about cutting.
Haven't thought about purging.
Haven't thought about how I look in a negative light.
But I HAVE thought about the future.
Thought about a life, not alone.
THought about how great my personality I have.

There are some wonderful people out there.
I'm regaining my faith in humanity.

Heaven

When I die. If there is a heaven & I manage to get in, what I will find there is my plan b.
No changes or anything special.

I'm saddened to know this can't happen in reality, but I like to save the idea that this is waiting for me. I don't know how long I will have to wait.
Maybe a real plan a,
Maybe a short time.

But I can't see there being nothing better after this world, since I've been dealt this hand. I've wanted to fold.& I know no winning cards will be given in the next flop. Makes me wonder why stay in, when I keep on losing everything I have?

Pathetic.

How pathetic is it that I want nothing more than to be held while I cry? Honestly, I think if i was just held with love, I would begin to cry.

How pathetic is it that I have cried myself to sleep more nights in the last two weeks than had nights without soggy pillows & swollen eyes?

How pathetic is it that I bought a pillow that simulates the heart beat, so I can hug it & try to feel like someone who actually cares about me is hugging me? But in reality, I'm laying there alone again.

How pathetic is it that I have spent more time thinking of how to avoid the future than actually planning for it?

Pathetic.

Another Day.

Life passes by so quickly, yet I am stuck where the pendulum doesn't swing.
This is my life, ending one minute at a time.

Hi There.

Okay. So let's face it. No one is reading this crap. So I just so happen to want to vent on my computer. So, hello J, how are you? So basically, I know that Shelly no longer wants to be no part in the troubles in my life so I know she won't be reading these. However, Shelly, if you do decide to read it, know that I am not so nice. These are things that I'm too afraid to tell you these things, or you don't want to know, so proceed with caution.

Welcome back, I have been doing alright. Better than I thought I would be. A while ago I thought I was no longer numb, but as time ellasps, I feel more & more & I'm not so sure if that is a good thing or not. It's getting harder to deal, espcially since I have to do it on my own.

But, I do think I'm in a good meduim. I know, it is not perfect, but damn I need some sort of crutch, some sort of help. Shelly has given up on me, leaving me to myself. I still don't like myself very much. Still don't really care about seeing daylight. Meh, it's nice when I see it, but I don't care so much if I don't. The abuse has stopped. Hard work & no one to share the joy with. Shelly says that I should be proud of things with out here approval. It's not that I want her approval, I know it's good, but I still don't like celebrating on my own. Back to being alone, with no one who gives a damn. Saddest part about that is I have no one because I've been abandoned, not because I haven't shared it. Who knew not sharing it would be less painful.

I've made a few compromises. Fair ones I think. I eat, a lot. When I have to. My mother might not be touching me anymore, but it still hurts like hell to be me. So some things not so healthy might be compromised, but hell. I need something to fucking help me cope. Shelly, it's not because of you, but because I need something. You did the right thing. & so am I.

Fuck.

I am breaking apart so silently. No one is here as I fall through through the glass walls around me.

I don't know what to do. I am falling apart. Here is my test: can I survive alone? Fuck, I don't think I can. I did it for so long, burned all my fuel. Began to rely on the help of wind to push me along. But when the wind changes & blows in another direction. I am left where I started, but the momentum's gone, & I'm running on empty. I don't think I'm going to make it.
This week has been rough & draining. It was finished by a terrible weekend that only got worse & worse. I honestly don't know how mush more of this I can take. I thought that I was done with these urges & feelings. I mean I knew that they weren't gone, but I didn't realize they would come crashing down on me so hard.
Things are worse here at home than I had been preparing for. I know last time didn't work out, but I don't foresee me seeing august without something. The people I continually interact with are draining me. I have barely slept. I'm running out of newly obtained techniques & truly fear I might turn back to my old coping mechanism. Because I know that it at least works, momentarily. & I can't say I'm looking too far into the future to see what the consequences are, because I have a feeling it's going to be a lot of this, & not a lot of good. Not enough to fight for. To look forward to. I don't know if my readings are off. But I'm looking at some of what I'm getting from people, & I think I might be being lied to & might find that this shit of a future I've conjured will be a dream compared to what's really in store.
I guess it's my denial, paired with abandonment & breakdowns. I might be coming to the end of my rope. I don't know what's at the end. The ground, where I'll land on my feet & walk away? A fire to burn & replace these feelings with a soothing pain? Or a noose, to end it all & allow me to escape this hell I'm in? Honestly, I can't tell from here which one. All I know is that my mother & others are shaking the other end, making me slide down to figure it out before I really want to. & I can't say there isn't an option at the moment which wouldn't be welcomed.
Fuck, this. Why can't I just get better?

How did I end up here?

Wow.
Day 365
One year without blood.
One year without burns.
One year with no razor.
One year without a heated object.
One year clean.

Looking back, that journey was rough,& yet here I am standing at the end of this road (& waiting to start on the next leg of the challenge)
& I am a stronger person
I am a better person
I am a happier person.

In this last year I learned
what love is
what happiness is
how to love
what it feels like to be cared for
what it feels like for someone to fucking give a damn

In this last year I have
hit rock bottom
Been at my highest
Shared myself
Stopped faking
Showed my true self
Been accepted.
Grown close to someone.

In the last year I have stopped mutilating
But I have begun to stop:
Self Hating
Thinking everyone dislikes me
Letting myself be a doormat.

In the next year I will:
Learn to love myself
continue to love what I have
Not settle for my life.

Thank you Shelly. You helped make ALLL of this happen. I couldn't have done it without you. You've saved my life. More times than you even know.

Regression.

I'm four days from my 1 year. I don't know if I can make it.
Fuck, I fail at everything else, right?

Pushing up Daisies.

I found out I didn't get into my transfer school. I feel so fucked. Now I'm home & feel worse than I thought I could feel.
Great.
Tomorrow I'm supposed to see Shelly, but I have a feeling it will be only for a short time.
Then back to this.
I don't want summer.
I'm on my way to hell.
I tried, oh god knows that I tried.
Question is, am I willing to make it?
Because the good might be good, but the bright is too slight to hold back all my dark.