It's Been A While

It's been a while
but I can now say that I am not addicted and
It's been a while
but I still can't say I love myself as well and
It's been a while
Since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do
It's been a while
But all that shit seems to come back like it's not new.
But everything I can't remember as fucked up as it may seem
the consequences that I've rendered
I've gone and fucked things up again.

Yeah, it's been a while since I've last posed. I know I've changed, but things still aren't perfect. Or even close.
I continue to be overwhelmed by everything. By life. But it is so much less than before. Or at least I think it is. Ugh. Everything thing just builds up within me, & I don't know how to release it anymore.

Little things snowball until I can barely carry them anymore. I don't know how to properly deal with them. I talk some of them out with my therapist, but she has things she believes we need to address. I still have so much to sort out, but I have one more session. What to do? I can go about dealing with them in the way I used to, for that solved nothing. So I can't do that. It's not like I want to go back to dealing that way. But I hate not letting them out. I don't feel like they are healed. I know that actually bleeding out my problems, & watching the wound scab & flake & dry & heal really solves anything, but I hate having all this un-releasable pressure.

Man, I sure get lonely here. I eat a few meals with friends. But I never really talk during them. Everyone there is either talking about a party they've just been to, or a party coming up. So I just sit & listen. half of the time I don't even listen. All I do is zone out. Yep, that's started a bit again. But like before, I don't know what to do about it. I didn't know before, I don't know now. I used to hang out often with my friends. But now they keep on canceling. Half of the time it is 10 minutes before, or never even tell me. There was a girl who I'd talk to between classes, but she asked me for help & I guess she didn't like my answer. Because she left class without me & we normally walk together. She wasn't very blunt.

Most days I go without talking to anyone. The one person I talk to is my fucking mother. Over the weekend I had fun with my cousins, but that is the only enjoyable thing in the last few weeks. The only person I've talked to for more than a half an hour are my mother & a girl I really don't like.

I broke down the other day. Too many emotions. But I don't know. I feel so fucking stupid for having them. I watch all these fucking shows & everyone has drama & have friends to help them out. Everyone hugs it out when they cry. All I want right now is a fucking hug. But I have no one. How pathetic.

I've been trying to hide that I'm not okay. Doing well. Back to old habits again. Ugh.

The other thing cause chaos in my mind is happening a week from today. I find out if I am able to transfer or not. I get nauseous, hot, & upset every time I think about that day. I don't even know what I fucking want. I don't know if I want to get in. I do, but I don't. I'm afraid, & really think that those at the prosper school actually want me to get in, & go. I don't think I will get in. Man, my fucking self confidence is so low. A friend commented on my confidence being non existent. She says there is no reason I won't get in. That I need confidence. Ugh, I can't do this. I'm going to be sick.

Speaking of sick, but not really. I am having some escalating body issues. Occasionally, I don't have such a problem. But a lot of the time, all I want to be is thin. I've never had this problem.
I just need to be happy.
Reread my old post.
Get the fuck over this problem.
Food makes me happy.

Farewell, all. Things must get better, right?
But I fear summer is coming up, & I will just be upset & alone there too. Again, so fucking alone.

I am a Word that No One Ever Wants to Say.

ICMTMTB.
Wow. It is scary to write that down again. But it feels so great to let it out. To let someone know what it is.

ICMTMTB.
It is my creation. Yeah, it is just an acronym, but it became more to me. It became a living entity. Some living & breathing. Feeding off of me. A scary spark of an addiction.

ICMTMTB.
It became an obsession. My own little development that I nurtured & brought to life. It took over my life. Dark days.

ICMTMTB.
Repeated in my mind. Papers covered with this word. Etched into my skin. Like a number you become obsessed with, I began to see it everywhere.

ICMTMTB.
It began to sneak into my life & begin rooting itself in every part of my being. Trying to get someone to notice. Finding itself on random papers. My assignment notebook. Wanting to be seen. To spread.

ICMTMTB.
I began to chant it. When I was upset. Felt worthless. Felt unwanted. Sad. an association with the negative--all that I know.

ICMTMTB.
I have never spoken these words since 10th grade when things spiraled & I saw no end. These letters have not been written since then. I can feel my chest swell as my fingers easily find the keys.

ICMTMTB.
I have moved on, but have been carrying this weight for far too long.

ICMTMTB.
I'm shedding this part of my life. It will no longer control me.

ICMTMTB.
I cut myself to make things better.

Misery Won't Get the Best of Me

Positive post is needed I believe. I need to stop complaining about all that has happened. Need to stop dwelling in it, because it is obviously not getting me anywhere. So, instead, I am going to try to focus & list all the positive things. All the growth. All the good. Because I need to show myself they are there. They are finally in my life. Yeah, they are all new, but I need to take my focus on what I know, the crap, & instead shin the light on the good. The progress.

What sparked this? Well of course, no other than my Shelly. She pointed some things out to me in a conversation we had today. Ultimately this post is for me. Because it is something I need to realize & admit. But it is also for you, Shelly. Because I hope it brings a smile to your face.

Hmm, where to begin. Well let's start with the physicalness. I've been lying to myself for a long time. I always told myself that it was okay what I looked like, that other's didn't matter, because I need to please no one. That I can be happy with what I look like, & just be upset that other's aren't. I really want to believe that. I tell myself that is how I feel. But I still can't bare my reflection. It is a lie for me to not accept the truth that I am unattractive. Well, I've been digging at things, & somehow uprooted this philosophy, leaving me seeing my numerous flaws & also discovering a hate for myself & my appearance. But instead of dwelling on the things I hate, I need to focus on what I do like.
I am going t list the things I hate first. (this might seem counter productive, but I think that It will be good to look back & see that I was wrong, or see that I am being too picky. Or maybe it is a mistake. But I am going to make it anyways.) Here we go, from head to toe:
1. How my hair has this place where it will not curl
2. How many wrinkles I have on my face
3. How big my forehead is
4. How round my face is
5. How small my eyes are
6. My neck. Its size & the display of my disease.
7. My stretch marks on my shoulder. It just shows HOW fat I am.
8. My flabby upper arms
9. The stretch marks on my inner elbows.
10. My FAT fingers.
11. HOW FUCKING MUCH my skin is ruined on my torso.
12. My stomach. It is absolutely disgusting.
13. Mt fucking love handles.
14. My flabby inner thighs.

So that is all that I hate. Some not even hate, just dislike. Hopefully my idea about them will change. With time. With time. I guess...

Things I like. I can't say I love anything. But I will let myself like them. Because there is nothing good from stopping that. I always think it is wrong to like yourself, because it makes you full of yourself. But I'm sure that feels a hell of a lot better than this. So here we go again:
1. I like that my hair is curly. It gives me personality & I wouldn't change it for anything else.
2. I like the color of my eyes. I do think they are pretty, & I wouldn't change them. If I were to see them on someone else, I would compliment them. So I will have to compliment myself.
3. I do like my odd single dimple. Haha. I don't know where the other one went.
4. I like my high cheek bones. They make my smiles more... with my whole face? I don't know..
5. So I like my chin face forward, but I think I have one of the ugliest profiles EVER. But I do not mind my chin.
6. I don't mind my nose. I don't like it, but I don't care about it. I've grown to be content with it.
7. I guess I like my breasts? I don't know. That sounds so weird. I definitely wouldn't like attention to them, (which I have gotten like once in my life) I feel like absolutely NO ONE notices me, & would never notice them. For no guy has ever noticed me, sadly. But I like them. They are big, & fun to joke about.
8. I like my fingernails. I really do. They are thin, but Man, I have seen some pretty terrible fingernails.
9. I guess I like my muscular legs, but they make me feel butch. I always feel butch though.
10. I also like my toes. I don't know why, but there isn't any feet that I like more than mine. I think they are perfect (in my eyes.) Yeah they're wide & huge, but I don't really mind. Yeah, they are in terrible condition, but I could fix that if I cared at all.
11. Forgot my smile when I was at my face. I do like my smile. A lot actually.

So over all, there are more things I dislike, but that will change in time hopefully. I think that 10 things is a lot.

So let's move on, shell we? How about... what I like about myself that isn't physical. I am not going to make a list about what I don't like here since no one is perfect & I should believe I should be an exception to this rule. Yeah... let's kick it:
1. I think I am a caring person. I am very aware of others & care about them.
2. I try really hard to be nice to people.
3. I like to be me, but I do care what other's think. I won't compromise myself for anyone else, but I won't hurt or disrespect anyone in the process.
4. I am funny. Lol. That isn't funny.
5. I have a quirky personality.
6. I'm not an idiot.
7. I know a lot of random stuff.
8. Can't deny I like good music & movies.
9. I don't (really when it matters) judge people.
10. I'm empathetic.
11. I'm weird.
12. I'm unique.
13. I care about learning how to improve the lives of others.
14. I love animals.
15. People know who I am. Well, in a certain sense.
16. I have mistakes in my past, meaning I have lived.
17. I am willing to work fucking hard to improve myself.
18. I am done settling.

Hmm, that seems like a nicely compiled list, don't you think?

Anything else? I know, things I have. I like to always talk about what I don't have. What I've missed out on. What I've been denied. But I need to acknowledge what I do have. Even if it is new. I need to acknowledge them. I am not going to make comparisons, like I am not living in a war torn area & what not, because we all should be aware of how lucky we are to be where we are in life. But in the sense of our reality. Listy list:

1. I have an amazing best friend, who is always there for me no matter where I drag her. I know that I can depend on her.
2. Besides Shelly, there are other people who are my friends who are wonderful.
3. I'm loved & cared about.
4. I have an opportunity to learn (not in the college sense. but the life sense.)
5. I have people to love.
6. I know that there are people in my life now, that will always be a part of who I am & my life & future.

There are probably more, but I don't know what they are at the moment.

Last list of the night, or should I say morning, is one of all that I want. I know I will have to work to get them, but I am willing to do so. So here we go, one last time:

1. To keep my creepily close friendship/relationship (cause it sure the hell is more than a friendship) with Shelly.
2. I will no longer be a doormat of others.
3. I will no longer be hurt by someone & just brush it off.
4. I will learn to love myself.
5. I will become confident.
6. I will learn how to talk to people, especially the opposite sex.
7. I will stop being so afraid.
8. I will keep the essence of who I am in the process of these changes.

There you go. My life. Where I am. A snapshot of the moment. I think it looks pretty good. Still needs a lot of work. But it actually looks like a person now.

Farewell all. Sleep soundly.

Loose Lips May Sink Ships.

I feel like it is tuesday all fucking over again. I keep on going up & down & up & down. At least I am not quiet as upset today as I was that day, but I still feel pretty shitty.

At the moment, Shelly is trying to get me to talk to her. Well, that came out wrong. She asked me if I wanted to, & I said no because she should be working. She always puts me frist & suffers for it, & I need to stop being so selfish.

So let me just get what is really fucking with me off my mind at the start, even though it's most recent. So O. Yeah, we are no longer friends & never will be again. & I feel like such a shitty friend to her. I mean, I wasn't horrible, but I wasn't there for her when she needed me & I have hurt her. I have hurt her enough that she is done being my friend.
Here is the transcript of our texts.

J: Are we ever going to talk? Are we friends anymore?
J: Will you please just answer the second question?
O: You’ve changed & our friendship isn’t the same anymore. Maybe we were meant to be high school friends.
J: You’ve changed too. College does that to people.
O: How have I changed?
J: You aren’t as happy. & something else I can’t identify is there that has caused you to give up friends
O: I'm not as happy…right I thought I was (a nickname that involves her name).
J: Can we just talk because texting complicates everything
J: (My old roommate) called you that. You were happy though.
O: Right & you ganged up on me for being a negative bitch for no reason then?
J: What?
J: Come on. What do you want from me, O?
J: Really? why won’t you just talk to me? Why are you so content with losing this friendship? Does it mean that little to you?
J: Nothing is going to happen if we don’t talk. If you won’t answer your phone at least text me back.
J: How have I changed?
(then I sent her a long letter
O: I'm not mad at you, but I can't talk to you because I don't know what's going on.
J: What do you mean?
O: I don't know.
J: Why can't we just talk I sent you a letter that says everything I have to say.
J: what do you mean going on? Like do you have any ideas?
O: & I just sent you my response.
O: I don't know.
J: are you sure you sent it?
O:I was referring to my text.
J: oh... what?
(I get so confused.)
J: why can't we talk?
O: because I don't want to.
J: why notttt? It will make this easier.
J: are you okay... seriously?
J: O?
J: okay you;re making me worry. If you don't answer I'll start calling non stop again.
(all day goes by)
J: O?
O: Yes?
J: are you okay?
O: I think it's part birth control. I feel insane.
J: just talk to me.
O: I don't want to talk & I don't want to think
J: I'm not going to care how upset or whatever you are, but you need to talk to someone.
J: It doesn't have to be for long
O: I just can't. You Don't understand.
J: I do. I really do. you will feel better. Just try. If it's too much or too hard, we'll stop, but you need to just try it.
O: Just text me whatever you want to say.
J: come on. I don't care if you cry or yell. Just talk it out to me.
O: I DON"T WANT TO.
J: why not? It will feel good.
O: How the fuck do you know that?
J: I've felt insane & like crap before. Talk it out.
O this is the last time that I'm gonna say that I don't want to.
J: Fine. Well I'm here if you ever change your mind. Tomorrow call your doctor! they will take you off this pill. It's your hormones. It's okay.
O: right. that's the thing I really can't blame it on the pills.
J; Yeah you can. It's amazing what they can do.
J: Women have seriously killed their husbands because of hormones.
O: Well I'm saying this isn't just my hormones. I ended whatever I had with Shelly before I even started bcp.
J: I know... what are you feeling?
J: You should still call the doctor.
O: I feel like shit cause I literally have no friends.
J: I have to ask, & please don't ignore this question, should I be worried that you are going to hurt yourself or do anything worse?
J: well you can't do this to them without letting them know what's going on.
O" What would I do? Slit my wrist with a pair of scissors? Jump off a building? Summer is in six weeks. I'm not fucking suicidal.
J: I don't know. You've got me worried. Are you going to hurt yourself? like mutilation?
O: Please stop being retarded.
J: O. I'm serious.
O: So am I. Thanks for making me laugh.
J: Ugh. I'm pissed at that.
J: Is there anything I can do for you...?
O: You can stop acting like you're my best friend.
J: are we friends at all?
O: I don't know are we?
J: I don't know what you want from me. I'm asking this sincerely because I wish someone had cared about me. So I want you to know that I care about you.
J: You know, it's up to you.
J: Hello?
O: I don't have a reply.
J: why not? I just had said something personal & important to you. say something.
O: well you obviously feel that our friendship is one that can suddenly end.
J: I do? O! You just told me we were not friend anymore tow days ago. I don;t want this to end but it takes two to have a friendship. & You just ended it with Shelly.
O: Okay. So I don't know what you want to hear from me.
J: What's up. what you want. I want nothing but to help you.
O: I wanted a best friend who I could tell anything to. You were never that person because you were always embarrassed or felt too awkward to talk about things. & so I could never really trust you even though you were my best friend. & then you go & switch me for Shelly. What am I supposed to do then?
J: you never tried to talk to me. Try now.
O: I considered both you & Shelly my best friends & I always wanted to hang out together. But you & crystal ever wanted me there. Was I supposed to be happy about this? I mean I never let it show cause I'm not going to be a bitter bitch but wtf? & this has nothing to do with what happened between me & Shelly so don't even bring it up.
J: I'm sorry. We didn't always invite you because we didn't want to make you feel like a third wheel. We were wrong. I do consider you a best friend. But we were never the kind to share with one another. There's a whole lot of shit in my life that you don't know. & it's because I never thought you cared to know. I would have been there to talk to you if you needed it. & I never thought I showed anything but that to you.
O: You didn't think i cared because I'm the pessimistic blunt bitch is what you're trying to say.
J: No that is not what I said. but yeah, you're blunt. would you have listened I felt like you've always turned a blind eye.
O: Yea because we never talked about anything important.
J: so I want to ask you something. I've been digging up my past & something keeps nagging at me. I don't care what your answer is, I won't be mad. but I really want to know. did you know I cut myself for 6 years did you know & not care Or did you just never notice?
J: please don't tell anyone about that. I prefer no one else to know. & you & shelly are the only ones who do. that says a lot about what you mean to me.
O: Yea you told Shelly & I basically forced it out of you under these circumstances. Makes me feel great. & no i didn't know. How the fuck was I supposed to know? Just because I'm your best friend doesn't mean that I will know how to read your mind.
J: I tried to tell you in my poetry. don't worry, no fucking person noticed. It took so much from me to tell shelly. & I'm sorry, but don't act like you care too much about me.
O: Your poetry. Right because I just happen to love poems so fucking much. & you're right I don't care about you anymore because it's obvious that you don't know the first fucking thing about me.
J: Thanks. I don't know what you want from me o.
O: this conversation did make me feel better because it made me see that we were never best friends to begin with. so thank you.
J: Ugh. then why can't we just be friends? Why do i have to be your best friend? can we just be friends or do we have to go to no friends?
O: I was fine with being just friends because I'm not an idiot & I've know that Shelly was your best friend since at least senior year. But it's different now & I can see that we had a superficial friendship that has lost meaning now.
J: But I still consider you a close & good friend. Maybe I was wrong, but I don't know why you want to not be friends at all.
O: can you not understand that our whole friendship was a lie? We pretended to be happy. how can I ever look at you again & not feel betrayed?
J: What do you mean? I had so much fun with you.
O: Right so you had fun with me & then after I left you would cut yourself? Our friendship was a joke.
J: no it wasn't. we were best friends. are you telling me you were super happy all the time? I'm sorry, I had shit in my life but it wasn't connected to our friendship.
O: Obviously I wasn't your best friend if you couldn't bother to tell me one single thing. Just because I was happy doesn't mean that there was shit in my life that i didn't want to tell you.
J: then you should have. I never said you didn't. I didn't tell anyone, not just you.
O: Well you should have. We can't even have a convo about tampons cause it makes you uncomfortable. How was I supposed to tell you my life shit?
J: As long as they don't involve feminine care. I'm down. You can't say I should have told you things if you wouldn't. & I just did.
O: Yeah, like telling me now will make any difference.
J: I never said it would. I don't want to spill my guys out to you. I'm a private person. But you obviously want to. & I am here if you want to. You just don't trust me.
O: I would trust my best friend but i don't have one anymore.
J: You didn't trust me when we were best friends.
O: You never gave me reason to.
J: I would tell anyone.
O: That's cause you don't have anyone to tell now except shelly.
J: Wel I wouldn't tell her. you know, I don't know know how many times you want me to say sorry. You can't just be mad we weren't close when you didn't do anything to make us closer. If you really want to tell me, do it. we can't change the past, we might as well not swell in it. we should focus on the present/future.
O: We study history for a reason. & I can't imagine a future with you.
J: Why? Why do you not want to be friends?
O: I don't thin I will ever be happy when I'm with you anymore.
J: Really? What the hell did I do wrong O? You know, I thought I was a good friend.
O: Right. You were a terrible friend to me. & You're showing it right now. Why do you still want to be friends?
J: Because I enjoy spending time with you.
O: You won't anymore.
J: Not if you hate me.
O: I don't hate you & I don't hate Shelly. I miss shelly & I will miss you but thats it.
J: Why does that have to be it?
O: I don't feel anything is keeping us together anymore.
J: Well I care about you. Do you not care about me? Because that would be enough.
O: No I don't. I'm going to sleep.
J: Really o? That's it?
J: So we're not friends anymore? I'll miss you.

Fuckkkkk. I'm glad she can sleep. I know I won't. The rest of my weekend had some shit in it, but I just want to turn myself off right now. So later I will empty myself.

Necktie... Neckturn... Nickel... It's an "N" word, it's definitely an "N" word!

Yep it is. The word is nuisance. Because that is what my appearance is to me.

Body issues. They are something that haunts every female, but hits some of us harder. Beats us with a bat. But you know what? Some of us deserve it though. Need to be put into their place, because let’s admit it, some of us, particularly me, need to get that punishment for being so unluckily fucking ugly. Because lord knows I am.

That’s right, I was beaten as a child with an ugly stick & the resulting scars leave me with no confidence & disgust for my body. Everything about it is terrible. I don’t think I have any redeeming qualities, except maybe my eyes & those are so tiny.

I know I know. There are all those girls who are beautiful & thin who complain about there bodies. & in my opinion, so that someone could say “no! you’re so pretty! You’re so thin!” But I’m not one of those people. Especially since I rarely ever get the “you’re pretty! You’re not fat!” response. & way too often have I been called fat & ugly. Well at lease they’re not lying to me.

I really do hate my body. & I have a right to. It is very unfortunate. I’m not one of those 120 pound girls who think they are huge. No, I’m one of those unimaginable weight girl who is riddled with stretch marks, flabby fat, & a skin disease that could make someone looking at my naked self (which I don’t do) lose their supper.
I am not someone who you can say “no,, no! You’re thin!” because I really am not. I am disgusting. I wish I had the strength to do something more about it. But I am not.

Besides my weight, I am an unattractive person. Really, I am. Only one person has called me pretty & she says she thinks everyone is attractive in some way. So really, no one has. Which I’m not digging for. I don’t want to be lied to. But I still wish people wouldn’t call me ugly. I get it enough from myself.

As a result of this body, I don’t look in the mirror. I don’t enjoy shopping. I fear scales. I hate photos. I hate myself.

You know, I see these people who are confident, & they of course they have their issues, but they are comfortable. I don’t want to be a cocky bitch. I just want to be able to talk to someone without constantly thinking about how horrible I must appear. I want to be able to see myself & not get sick to my stomach. It’s not that I want to love myself, I just don’t want to hate me. But I have absolutely no fucking idea how to go about this.

It's Me & the Moon

Hello there. I am just soo drained at the moment. Been awake for far too many hours. & am consumed by a wide range of emotions. However, the spectrum doesn't exactly include the happy ones.

Today has been long. I think it is because it is running into yesterday & I feel like much of it was lost, but still don't know.

I do know one thing. I need to stop fucking saying "I don't know". I don't, but man do I sound like a broken record. Well, maybe I think like one too & have an excuse like one as well.

First thing this morning I had an appointment with my therapist. I really wanted to vent about yesterday, because I was feeling like shit, but no. We have to talk about what emotions I have & what better ways to deal with them. Still. She still brings up the idea of me being hospitalized. That is just not okay with me. It really bothers me. But mostly, it just scares the fuck out of me. I do know that I don't want to be institutionalized. I don't. She is afraid that I am going to be revert back to my old ways of self harm. & she even said that she is keeping a close "suicide-watch" eye on me. What the fuck? Never did I tell her that I wanted or even thought about taking my life. Because I don't. That is one thing I DO fucking know.

After all of my lovely classes, which I could not pay attention in, I talked with Shelly. But I can't help but really dislike myself at the moment for it. I can honestly say that I didn't have a conscious manipulation for making her talk to me. Seriously. But I guess everyone is thinking I'm a liar these days.

Last night, or more like this morning, I sent Shelly a text asking her to read this blog before we talk next. I figured it would save time & she could have a direct understanding of everything. When I sent that text, I had been thinking for hours about what to say in it. How to word it to make it not seem like a thing I needed asap. When to send it. How much detail do I give. Do I tell her that I'm not okay? Or do I just let her assume? A good chunk of time that should have been spent sleeping was being wasted on these stupid thoughts. So I decided to put an end of this nonsense by just sending the text then. She was supposed to be asleep, but of course she wasn't. But I know that I said in the text that It was premature & that I know we weren't going to be talking for a while & how that was okay. Because it was! & not to worry about me.

I seriously didn't think she'd read them then & then want to talk today. I didn't want to talk to her today because I feel so guilty. Ugh. So Shelly, I'm sorry. But we did talk. Hahaha. No, I sobbed the whole time. I was a mess. & I feel so fucking terrible for doing that to her.

djaogiaogiwjaog

I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. At least when I lose this, it won't be because of my fucking mother.


On top of this. It's pretty official. O is no longer my friend. A six, almost seven, year friendship ended because of three calls & a fucking nap. I will admit that life is not fucking fair to me.

I don't really know where to go from here. I am trying to make plans, but I don't know, things always fall apart on me. I read the directions, I set it up carefully. Put time, effort, & myself into it. But when I take that step back to enjoy it, it crumbles. I can't always be the one standing there holding everything up. Because I always am. & my back i fucking breaking.

I oddly feel like life is taking its course a bit here. I'm not one of those people to believe in stupid shit like that, but I don't know. I think my life is clearing itself of the shit that has infested it. It got tired of waiting for me to do it. So now it's taking the reins & doing steering for me. My old roommate was not nice to me. She put me down to make herself feel better. I was a doormat & I never tried to pick myself up off the floor. Just assumed it was my place to be. But this opportunity opened up (which never fucking happens to me) & I just rode the curtails until I found myself with one less friend. Yeah, I am upset about it. & I miss her. But I think that it was right. Now I have that sliver of hate gone. I mean, I can't cut out the main source, because we're talking about my life here, & Me dead isn't going to solve anything. But I think my life is better now without her there feeding on the little good I have.

Well the next event was with O. I really like O, but I don't exactly know why. She is not nice. Frankly, she is a bitch. Yet no one really lets her know that. But of all the people she is mean to is me. Ask anyone. I don't know what my confidence would be like if I didn't have her oh my shoulder, telling me (fucking bluntly at that) all of my flaws. But despite all this, she was still my best friend for a good portion of my life. I am upset that we aren't friends anymore, but how bad is it really? She is hurting me so fucking much right now, but I think there are two possible outcomes from this: first & more likely one, I will have one less friend. A friend who wasn't nice to me & really wasn't a friend. Or second, we will be friends but she will know that I'm done with all her shit.

All I know right now is I'm not very happy. I am so afraid of being hurt at this point that I don't want to do anything. I know that I often set myself up for these sort of things, but I think most know how I am. Know what I need. & should sort of see this thing in the making.

Where to go from here? Honestly I still just want to sleep & never fucking wake up.

I sleep so I don't have to feel the truth that you can't ever be the one person that won't ever forget me.

1-09 Daisy.m4a

Oh man. Talk about a crap of a day. Horrible. Almost completely terrible.

First I overslept. Fuck it, I woke up & decided to go back to sleep. So I missed my first class, & I have a test next week. But I don't even care at this point. & I feel stupid for complaining about something so small.

So after I did pull my fat ass out of bed & got to my class, I couldn't concentrate. THis is the first time in a long time that this has happened. & it's scary, for it is the first sign on the road to hell.

But the real fun begins after classes were over. I went to get lunch & decided to eat for a family of five. I was completely disgusted with myself. I don't even know how to describe it. But let's just say it wasn't fun. I really wanted to do something about it, because I caught a glimpse of myself & almost didn't need to put a hand down my throat. But I made a promise. & I will honor it.

But I decided to donate some blood. I'm honestly not sure why. I couldn't tell you. Lately I've been doing things that are completely done without thought. Which is against everything I am. Like getting my ears pierced, & the things I did on vacation. Well this donation is another to add to the list. I had never donated blood before, because I have been boarder line anemic since I bled so much for six years, I hate needles, & when I got my blood drawn, I almost passed out. But still, I went for it. When the blood started flowing, I instantly started feeling queazy. & not far after, I began to lose consciousness. The lady made me lay down & sniff some awful smelling things. After I felt like I could walk & my blood was taken, I left, but still feeling a bit shaky & very nauseous.

I thought I might pass out, so I decided I would call someone while I walked back to my dorm. I realized then that I have fucking no one. No one but my mother. Great. So who did I call? Nope, sadly not the ghost busters, but my mother. She made me feel thousands of times worse. Especially about myself, since I was already at a low. How did I end up here where I have no one but the only person who probably hates me more than I hate myself? How? Fuck it, if I know.

So as we've discussed, I already had a bad experience with food for the day & was totally not planning on eating for a while, but you have to upon giving blood. So I ate a snack & then dinner. I'm sure I will sprout a tail one of these days.

After this fiasco, I decided to watch this really great, but horribly sad, documentary. It was so upsetting. & made me feel even worse. Why was I having such a "terrible day" in a "terrible life" when other people truly know what hell is? Shed tears that deserve to be shed. I really do disgust myself sometimes.

Well, a while later a friend came over to watch LOST with me. It is normally fun, the only time during the week that I actually spend with anyone more than a lunch. But this time was too much. I had to put my mask really on tonight. I was really unhappy & drained already, but she never left! She didn't leave until 1 am! Too much! I mean, some of it was fun. We watched some videos, & had some laughs, but in general I felt like crap. & hiding it for hours.

Although lost was on, I didn't get to really watch it because I was too busy texting one of my best friends. She had gotten in a really bad fight with Shelly regarding not answering texts & calls. When she was telling me about what hd happened, I told her I completely understand why she is upset. She deserves to be angry, but she was acting irrational in the idea that she should end a close friendship over it. Well, evidently, she can end two.
Here is a transcript of our texts: She'll O & I'm J:

O: Hello?
J: Ahh! sorry I was getting dinner!
O: You haven't answered any on my calls since spring break. Are you trying to make a point?
J: It's so not on purpose!
O: Seems like too much of a coincidence to be a coincidence.
J: How is it a coincidence?!
O: I think I've called you five times in the past three days. Seriously.. you just happened to miss all of them?
J: yes! I was napping yesterday with my phone on silent (no it wasn't but I wasn't going to answer it when I'm sleeping.) & then was getting dinner the one time today. I called you back yesterday when I woke up.
J: I'm sorry, but I'm not "trying to prove a point"
O: Right so out of the five times I called you only bothered to call me back once.
J: it was after all your calls yesterday.
O: I don't know anymore. Obviously you are on Shelly's side & it's annoying.
J: Why does that even matter?
O: Because I feel like you are now testing our friendship. I can feel your disapproval. & now I know that you would choose her over me.
J: I'm not choosing sides! I'm friends with both of you. & I'm not testing our friendship! It wasn't on purpose.
O: Well you said some shit last time we saw each other that makes me think otherwise.
J: Well I think you overreacted, but I thought we were still friends.
O: Whatever. I don't want to get in a fight. Let's just drop it.
(Ofcourse I send my text before reading this one.)
J: I'm sorry I offended you but I thought I was able to speak my mind in this friendship.
(why can't I just fucking listen?!?!?!)
O: ...well apparently you only know how to defend Shelly.
J: I'm defending myself now aren't I? I told you I totally understand why you're upset. Completely. But it wasn't fair for you to end a friendship.
J: I'm down with not fighting & I'm sorry I missed your calls.
O: Too bad cause you just pissed me off.
(but none of this is new?!)
J: how? Why? I'm sorry!
O: Whatever. Fuck this. You can go marry Shelly & raise orphans together.
(I don't know what that even means.)
J: What? O! I'm sorry! It really wasn't on purpose!
J: O? Please...
O: Honestly who is your best friend?
J: Why does that even matter? & Shelly, cause she's done a whole lot for me this school year. But you are one of my best friends. My closest friends. One of my only great friends.
(I think that sounds really nice...?)
O: yea that makes me feel all better. Thanks. Unfortunately I don't really care at this point.
J: What? O! Why?
J: are you not talking to me anymore?
O: what do you want to hear?
J: I don't know. But I don't want to lose one of my closest friends over a nap.
O: It feels really pathetic to call you a close friend when we aren't even close anymore.
J: what do you mean? I talk to you alot.. we can't be as close as we were when we live 5 hours apart.
O: Are you kidding me? That's the lamest excuse ever. Why do you think I call you?
J: I know. I was seriously not doing it on purpose.
O: Okay so? & since we're speaking our minds today, I think you are a bitch for what you did to your old roommate. & saying you wouldn't change what you did... wow thats really messed up.
(glad she got that off her chest.)
J: sorry... are we not friends anymore?
J: could we talk about this?
O: I'm busy right now.
J: okay.. later?
O: Not tonight.
J: Okay.... I am sorry.
O: Seriously I have to write a paper. Stop texting me.

Fuccckkk! What do I do?!?! I don't know! I don't know where I went wrong?

So on top of this, I have no one to talk to. I know I have Shelly, but she is studying for a test right now. I know I'm not going to be able to sleep. I know that I won't be okay tomorrow. I don't know.

Another thing happened. So... I am hesitant about putting it here. But I have to. Shelly, read this knowing how fucked I am right now. Okay?

So I decided a while ago, at Shelly's request, not to put too much into things. Well I failed, once again. I had offered to drive down to where she goes to school, pick her up, & then surprise her parents with a visit. She had initially said no, but then changed to maybe. & then when we talked it seemed like a real close yes. So I began to look forward to it. I had told her that I wouldn't have to see her more than the car ride there. After today, I began to anticipate that great two hours, because hell, I need them. & I was hoping that she would take some time to actually spend some time with me. But I knew that was NOT a sealed deal. But I can't help but look forward. & I always fucking get hurt. So I'm already having a hell of a day when she tells me she can't come. Fuck. It hit me like a ton of bricks. But It's 100% my fault, as always. But I really fucking need it. What to do now.

Not only do I now have to end my horrible week at home with my mother. & not a shred of good. Nothing. No fucking light at the end of this tunnel. But Shelly has another test, & (it's totally okay! I mean that!) but she cuts out the talks those days. But of course it has to be during my bad day. Ugh. But I can't ask that from her. She does too much already. I actually realllllyyy fucking the myself right now because I needed to talk to her so badly that I hinted that I needed her. But luckily she brushed it off & I didn't distract her. But I feel bad, because I fear she might worry. Hopefully not.

Yeah, it's only tuesday at 2:45am. Fuck I'm screwed.
Why do I have nothing good to look forward to? How did I end up here? So fucking incredibly indisputably lonely. Within the span of a month lost two friends. I miss my old roommate daily, especially today when my friend kept on talking about her. & I already miss O.

Ugh I really don't want to deal with this. I just want to fucking sleep & never wake up.

If I Could I'd Sit this Out.

Yeah, another day down. I can't even keep track of the days lately. They all string together. Luckily, nothing is outstandingly horrible that makes each day a living hell. So that is an improvement. But there are only smart parts of each day that are actually enjoyable.

Last night I played the nostalgia card.& Luckily I didn't lose my hand with that move. I actually won, or played well at least. I decided to read a bit of a journal I kept last year. Unlike this blog, I didn't really keep up with it, so there isn't much in it. But it did reveal just how far I've come. How much progress I've made. & it truly is evident.

The first few entries were from a long time ago. Before I even began to open up to Shelly. When I was in complete denial. Entirely. I questioned why I was so upset. Thinking I had absolutely no reason for my depression. Wondering why I had been depressed all of my life. I actually wrote: "Some might say it is good to escape reality from time to time as I do. But I am not sure what I am trying to escape. I should be happy. Always. Everything & anything I want, I can most likely get. My future looks bright & filled with opportunity. Yet I don't even know if I want to have one. Honestly. I am not content. I am not happy. It's not that I'm only unhappy some of the time, but it seems like every moment. I have never been consumed by joy.. I've mastered the creation of a facade. Most, if not all, of those around me falsely believe that I am completely happy. But I feel broken. A shell of myself. Sometimes completely numb. I function, walk, speak, eat without feeling anything. I don't understand my despair. I couldn't tell you where it stems from. Why I'm unhappy. I think it comes from a dislike of myself. But nothing else is really wrong with me life."

Where the fuck was I? I remember the night I spoke with Shelly, at a real low, & opening up about the abuse. I honestly didn't realize that it was something wrong. That is was abnormal. Wasn't a part of everyday life behind every other closed door. It took a lot of "yeah, it's bad. It's abuse" from Shelly before the idea that it wasn't right even began to sink in. So much denial. I could feel how deeply upset I was. How depressed I was, well still am, but I honestly didn't know why.

But I know why now. I know who to blame. & I feel like a bit of blame can be scattered to everyone in my life. Obviously my parents carry a heavy load of responsibility, but everyone else gets there share too. ow about everyone who still hurts me. All the time, I find new bruises (not just the real ones) upon my heart. I don't know if it's a mistake that I have suddenly relocated it to my sleeve. How about a bit for every fucking person in my life who has no fucking idea. They can't go by without a bit of responsibility.

But I can't escape it either. I am a big factor as to why I'm so fucked up. Well I'm changing. I'm realizing what I do & don't deserve. But that doesn't mean anything, when you can only play the hand that's dealt.

Farewell all, another will be coming shortly.

Fall Through the Cracks. You Might Find that the True Beauty is Laying Underneath.

I've slipped through everyone's life. I fell by the wayside on their paths through time & have always been the one bumped off of their list of thing to think about. To worry about.

Since I've gone unnoticed for so long, I have a general lack of acknowledgment from all. I hate the idea of seeking attention. I truly do. & the placement of my scars do not support the idea of my actions as a cry out. However, I can't help but wish someone would see them. Only once did I run a blade across my skin in hopes of acknowledgment. Upon my arm a three inch scar lies & its purposes was to get my parents to fucking realize I'm not okay. I'm not o-fucking-kay. But of all the scars I wear, that one is the one I regret the most. That one is the one I hate the most. I don't know how much animosity I would harbor if I had achieved my goal, but I don't have the opportunity to know. Because my parents never said a word. They never had the decency to care.

My therapist has informed me that every person craves attention. Craves acknowledgment & it is only human of me to take drastic measures to receive it. To bad it didn't work. She said it was only normal & understandable that I cling to those who provide it. But I know I'll drive them away because of this. But I just don't know how to control it. Manna sure is a hell of a drug.

I know that when I was still hooked on the drug of pain, of blood, I would have denied any implication that I was practicing self-mutilation. That I was a cutter. Because anyone who has a secret knows that if they wanted to truly stop, then they will seek help. Denial is an easy thing, & it is always used if you're complacent with the way things are. But I just can't wrap my head around the fact that I meant so little to everyone that not a single person knew. Not a single person saw. Not a single person guessed. Not a single person inquired. Not a single fucking person cared. But I'm used to this by now. Some scars 6 fucking years in the making. Most scars almost 7 years old. Only few have faded, because it's difficult for the red to grow fainter with time if they continue to be reopened. To bleed again. No one has seen them. When someone finally does, I haven't truly settled on any actions, but I think I might tell the truth. Because if they notice, they must fucking care.

This lack of attention is like a gun and blows my mind against the ceiling, that has been waiting to meet me for years now. I mean yes, the majority of the scars lie on my legs, but not all of them. The cry-out to my parents lies on my right arm. It was deep & gritty, but has faded by now. Yet, no one noticed. No one asked. I hung out with my cousin the very next day. No inquiry. Although the ones on my legs are hidden by pants, & long shorts, I do own a pool. A fucking pool. Come on people! I've had pool parties! Nope. Gym shorts are a bit shorter than my taste. Nope. Changed in front of people in gym. Nope. Yes, I did change in the bathroom when things got too rough, but not always. I cut a few lines on my leg when I was on vacation. Yeah, I know my parents don't give a damn about me enough to notice, but I was with a friend. Red lines appear on my leg but she doesn't notice. Then again she spent most of the day either on her phone or in the internet room talking to her best friend.

Besides the physical signs, there was a bit more obvious one. If you haven't caught on by now, I am a poetic person. Well, not only does my everyday writing portray this prominent aspect of myself, but I write actual poetry. I have since elementary school. Despite my love for stringing beautiful words together, the poetry isn't actually written well. Just look at this blog. But nonetheless, I shared it. I am a very private person, & I don't normally share things that show my flaws, but I did share my poetry. With many people actually. If you're a close friend of mine, & sometimes that's not even a requirement, then you've read my poetry. My best friend in middle school, & most of high school, has read almost every poem I've written. She wanted to be my "editor" when I published them. She sure let me know they were crap. But here is an example of that crap. An old piece of writing:

Lying to myself:

Wishing that the day will fade
I want to chase the pain away
Shooting pain
And little scars
Wishing on
Fallen stars
Bleeding out
All my shame
There is comfort
In this pain
The same routine
With every night
I somehow think
This wins my fights
I do not cry
Insted I bleed
My scars show how
I hate me
As time goes on
New scars appear
Sometimes I wish
I wasn't here.
But I wake
To a brand new day
And as time goes on
Like Scars, I fade

A few people have read this poem, & many others like it, yet no one has noticed that they aren't just words. I'm pretty sure this is blunt. I know poetry can be subtle, but I think this is fucking blatant. Why did no one worry? Or question? I turned a poem quiet like this into an english class in 6th grade & again in 7th grade for assignments. Nope. Not even they worried. Aren't they supposed to?! Isn't that their job?!

I have actually posted some of my work on line (http://paperbags7.deviantart.com/), & that same friend has an account there too. A poem of mine reads:
they are just little reminders
that I failed once more
my little kisses of disapointment
the stains of my affliction are washing away
you have made me perfect once more
& she commented: "My little kisses of disappointment"
GAHHH. I really like that line! The sexy poet is back! "
One, it is one of the only compliments she's ever given me, but it comes at a bitter price: that she didn't see what that line was even saying. But then again, no one has. Everyone has read them.

I can't change the fact that no one cares. I got by without anyone. Without anyone noticing I was suffering in silence. But in reality screaming out until my lungs collapse & my heart gave way. I need not be bitter that no one has even given a fuck about me, & instead realize, thatI am stronger than I think I am. That while others need these vast support systems to keep them afloat, I got through everything I have without help. Without a single person for support. That I stopped a six year addiction on my own, where people go into rehab for less intense ones. I stopped myself from taking those pills. That I can get through anything. & from here on I do have a copilot. A support system. It might not be very sturdy, but It's not going anywhere.

Farewell all. If you ever want help & don't seem to be getting it from anyone in your life, know that you can do it on your own. It's not ideal, & when you look back you might have wish you called it quits, but you never know. You could find true happiness in the end. Happily ever after is just for fairy tales, but that doesn't mean better than today lives in tomorrow isn't for reality, & you're reality at that.

"So, if you made it
Just be glad that you did and stay there
If you ever feel loved or needed
Remember that you're one of the lucky ones "

We Learn as We Age.

I know you'll never change
I won't be good enough for you
I know I'll make it through
You'll never be around to see.

It is true. I will never be good enough for it seems like everyone. & it seems like no matter who it is, I always let them down. My parents have these unattainable goals for me. THis idea of who they want me to be--perfect in a very literal sense. But I can't be perfect, in fact no one can. I might be farther from it than most people, but It will never be something I can achieve. & I can;t kill myself trying. & sadly, that can be taken in the literal sense.

Besides my parents, I have a high quota I ask myself to fill. But I don't always see it as negative. I can always be better, because I have so many flaws. I can always be thinner, smarter, better. & I'm the weak one in the way of achieving this.

But it's not just me & my parents. Others seem to lay out these ground rules & expectations from me, & I rarely measure up. I know it's not healthy for me to truly believe I am a failure, but what evidence do I have to counter attack this idea? Because I sure in the hell have enough to make a strong supporting case.

But I do know I'll make it through. I know that I will get through this hell like I always do. I might be beaten & battered, with a heart of stone, but I'm still standing. Barely, quivering, but on my feet nonetheless. So I know I'll get by, because I have to. I just don't know when--if ever--I'll see an end to this cycle.

That's right I'll see the end of this game, but I'm no longer playing it front of an audience. No more. I'm going to get away from these key players when I can. But I fear that I really won't be able to do this on my own. & I really have little to help me. Like a child I need constant care--but like my childhood, I lack it. & I can only see a continuance of this malsupplement of care in the future. What to do? Nothing. I have nothing.

So yeah, I'll be taking these steps. Rolling the dice this time, & no longer stalling. But I honestly fear that I while I make these moves in battle that I won't really see the worth.

I've been making some of these sort of changes lately. First, I sat away from my mother during a movie. Next I moved to not sit with my parents during our plane ride back from vacation. & finally, I went shopping with mother today & went my own way. However, I feel like I've accomplished nothing & my body now aches.

Do I venture from the safety of the ways I know & hope for the best? Or do I remain in this cycle & just except things as they are?